Thursday, September 27, 2007

Ignorance is bliss...?

Todays post is a celebratory one! Whats there to possibly celebrate on September 27th?! Well, let me tell you! The close of business today means that there is only ONE day left in the 3rd quarter!!

Why is that a good thing? In case youve all been asleep, or just dont really listen to me when I talk (gripe) about work, this quarter has been very, very stressful!! I think the end of it is worth celebrating. And, consequently, next quarter will be very good, thanks to my continued efforts in reminding the Powers that Be in "The Office" that I am NOT a complete moron.

Now, Ill spare you the particulars on what I mean by that last statement, but suffice it to say, during this quarter there have been things that seem to keep happening to ME, that havent been happening to anyone else. And, when Ive drawn attention to these mistakes management has been making, the explanation is invariably unbelievable... As in Id have to be a flipping moron to believe the explanation given, which of course consisted of ridiculous and continual RANDOM mistakes on my part. But, even more unbelievable to me is that fact that not only did I continue to make the same random mistake 4 times, management failed to detect said mistake each and every time. Say it with me now! "Riiiiight....." (imitating Dr. Evil)

But whatever.... ITS OVER!! (cue Thats the Way (I Like it), by KC and the Sunshine Band)

Uh-huh, Uh-huh...

But, as I sit and celebrate, I cant help but ponder why it is that things always seem to be this way? Why in the name of God and all that is holy did they actually think that I would believe it? I mean, one random mistake, ok... But 4? Pssshh!! I dont make mistakes, I only date them!

However, I guess if I sit and think about it, the answer should be obvious as to why The Office would think they could get away with such ludicrousity.... Simply put: People are stupid.

I hate to be cynical, but lets be honest, there is a large percentage of the population in general who are as dumb as a box of rocks. And, being that they dont actually think for themselves, an overwhelming percentage of the population will blindly follow authority without question. Please, you all know its true. Theyve even done studies proving the fact. Hello, anyone remember the Milgram Experiment?! (If not, do yourself a favor and google it.)

Now, before anyone gets all up in arms over my bold assertion here, lets remember that the above is of course a generalization. But, to argue my point, I think we must take into consideration the fact that generalizations themselves, are such, because generally they are true!

So, it stands to reason that The Office, and other employers would have the gall to pull such a stunt, because they know that most people either will not catch such mistakes, or most of those who do will not then have the balls to question authority over said mistakes. Basically, they operate on the assumption that people are stupid, and for the most part, it works.

And, why wouldnt it?

We live in a society where mediocrity abounds- just look around you! Or, just ask Miss Teen South Carolina. She will tell you its because we need more maps to help show "Americans in the US" that the Middle East is that part of the country in between the East and West coasts, just across the way from South Africa and the Asian countries. Besides, is it really even necessary to be able to spell anything other than your last name (which conveniently doubles for the place you are staying) when people pay you to party and act dumb?

The answer is a resounding not really!

You look good, and thats all that matters. That Global Warming thing really is a bummer, but its doing wonders for your tan, so it cant really be that bad, can it? Of course not!! And, as long as the Powers that Be can distract you from the fact that they are really pulling the strings as you blindly or more appropriately blondly dance around, everyone is happy!

The rich will just keep getting richer, and the middle class and poor will just keep getting poorer, because while the Powers that Be who run things are concerned with the big stuff like oil, interest rates, and congressional appointment and legislation, the middle class idiot is all too happy to finance their way into oblivion as they chase down the dream of getting hooked up with a blinged out grill and Juicy Couture sweats. After all, isnt that what America is all about?

Who has time to really worry about tomorrow, when they have a nice whip on 23" chromed rims today for only $739 a month? Not Big Daddy I tell you, hes living the dream!!

Ahhh, ignorance is bliss...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Dont feed the Bears!

So, today, it finally happened....

And, just like most pivitol moments in your life, this day didnt feel like any different than any other day in my life. The alarm went off at 5:13am. I snoozed it until 5:30am. I got up, got dressed, brushed my teeth....changed Luca, got in the car, took him to day care....blah blah blah.... Just like any other day...

But then, it happened!

Today, Wednesday, September 26, 2007....nothing of great significance happened!

Sorry, it just seemed like a good way to start a blog to me....

Actually, thats not true...

While nothing earth shattering did happen today to interupt the mundane details of my everyday life, something small did happen. Amid the many, many phone conversations I have on a daily basis, I managed to have one with a certain "friend" of mine. Now, I use the term "friend" loosely, as this is more someone Ive known for quite some time who I dont particularly dislike, but I certainly didnt call this person up with the news of the birth of my son, ya know?

For the sake of anonimity, I wont say who this person is, but suffice it to add, that this is one of those people in your life who you just dont enjoy talking to all that much. You know the type...self-absorbed, pessimistic, total victim complex.... When you see them walk into the office, you instantly run for the bathroom like youre being shot at, or pretend to be on the phone so you dont have to listen to their latest gripe... "Welcome to Movie Phone!" ...

Unfortunately, I was wearing my headset, and didnt realize who's call it was that I was picking up. As I sit and listen to the latest scoop on the poop about the all the bureaucratic BS going on in the office, and how its so unfair because "they are totally treating me like....blah blah blah...", my mind wandered off. Not that it particularly mattered, because this is one of those people who constantly talk, and if you do manage to get a word in edgewise that isnt some kind of condolence on the plight of their situation, they take whatever youre talking about and instantly relate it back to themselves. Because, its all about them, right?!

As the "OMG, can you believe it?!"'s continued, I did something new. I didnt comment back. I figured, the whole point of calling me to complain about the situation, was to get sympathy and so that I could tell this person that their shitty attitude and consequent diminished willingness to do their job was justified. Well, I dont think it is at all, and frankly, I am tired of hearing about it, so I figured perhaps its best not to indulge this person any longer....
I decided not to feed the bear anymore!


While, I wont know for a while if it is an effective tactic with this particular person or not, I have seen it work in other instances. If you think about it, it only makes sense! What happens when you feed bears in the wild? They come back, and, they keep coming back to the places they have found what they want.

The same is true of people. People who love drama, will seek it out or create it out of nothing. People who are victims, seek out situations, people, or circumstances, that will enable them or allow them to be a victim. People who are pessimistic will look for negativity in every situation. And, all these different types of people just LOVE to share their misery with everyone around them who is willing to listen. So, how do you allieviate this problem? Stop giving those annoying pessimistic people in your life food to feul their negativity, and well, chances are, they will stop. Will they change? Probably not, people rarely do, but the good news is, they will probably stop dropping their daily dose of "sunshine" on you, which is, what you really want in the first place now isnt it?


Misery loves company, and well, if youre not good company, they will look elsewhere!

My new motto, courtesy of her eternal wisdom herself, Daisy?

DONT FEED THE BEARS!!

Youll live a much happier life if you dont. Unless of course you are one of those people described above, and well, this
is your thing... then theres not much hope for you!!

Friday, September 21, 2007

You can put lipstick on a pig....

So, todays tale was a few days in the making. Sure, I could have capriciously thrown this together, and still probably made a half-decent, mildly entertaining story out of it, but thankfully I waited for inspiration to strike. And, strike it did.

I am here to tell you today people that you CAN put lipstick on a pig, but in the end, its still a PIG. What exactly do I mean? Read on.

It has occurred to me recently, that motherhood has made me a little soft. No, Im not talking about pudgy- Im in the best shape of my life, thanks for asking!! Rather, Im talking about soft in the way that I am so much more forgiving, and graceful of people lately. (Sigh) I blame the baby. (Shaking head)

As, I mulled over this particular occurrence, and of course, discussed it over coffee on the COUCH with Daisy, we came to the conclusion that the old me would have definitely let this person have it. After all, I gave this person WAYY too much grace given the circumstance, but he still did the skeezy thing, and tried to turn the situation around on me. Suddenly, I was the bad guy (or woman) in this situation. And ya know, I just let it go- maybe I was making too much of it. Its just that I find it so disappointing when someone you know who claims to have changed, goes and acts exactly the same as they did before. I am pretty damn sure I am right and this person is WAY wrong and out of line.... but, I let it fly...

As the days have passed, I havent been able to stop thinking about it, so I decided I will leave it up to you to decide who is the asshole here. I mean, I could be wrong, and please tell me if I am, but I dont think so. I guess youll just have to let me know.

So, now that Ive rambled on for long enough, lets just get down to it, shall we?

As you can probably guess, this post comes to you courtesy of someone from my past. In this post, and here on out should he be mentioned again, we shall call him "The Candy Man". Carrie B. had "Mr. Big", and I have The Candy Man. Funny enough, there are quite a lot of similarities between Mr. Big and The Candy Man, except that in the end, Mr. Big finally decided to pull his head out of his ass. But, this is probably due to the fact that Mr. Big is indeed, a fictional character. Things always work out in the movies, dont they?

Anyhow, The Candy Man.... The Candy Man and I had a great, yet tumultuous love affair, some number of years ago. Seriously people, think Mr. Big and Carrie B., minus the happy ending. Finally, after 3 years, I completely cut ties with The Candy Man. It was really hard to do, but for the most part I was confident I had done the right thing.

Fast forward to a few years later, and guess what happened? Of course you guessed it- Myspace. So I figure, its been a LONG time, I am fine to talk to him again. After all, it was 3 years of my life, and even though we had some rocky times, there really was a lot of good in the relationship. It was really one of those relationships where you were all in- not only was The Candy Man my boyfriend, but he was my best friend. We had a bond that was really special. I thought to myself, why not?

Obviously, we started talking again, and it was great to get a chance to say all the things I had wanted to say, but didnt. I could finally say all those things about how much I really loved him, and despite certain aspects of his character at the time, I knew he loved me back. It was so easy to just come out and matter-of-factly say these things because not only had it been so long, but we werent in the midst of the relationship any longer, and nothing was on the line. Its amazing how clear things are once you are on the other side of the fence, isnt it?

It was also really great to finally get to hear out loud the things I really did know already in my heart- that he was sorry for how things ended, and that all my love and efforts for him were not in vain- but I was surprised how cathartic the validation really was. If I lived the rest of my days, and never heard him tell me those things, I still would have lived happily ever after, but hearing them really meant a lot to me. More infact, than I couldve imagined...

In my mind, that was as far as I was expecting anything to go. You never do know when dealing with an EX if it is possible to do more than finally give each other closure, so I didnt have any real expectations after those emails ended. But, as the days turned into weeks, little emails here and there were exchanged, and I guess it was bound to happen. What happened you ask? Nostalgia kicked in and wrecked its havoc on an otherwise, blissfully casual situation.

At first, it was little things like, seeing an old picture The Candy Man has posted, from when we were together. This of course segued into other things, and as snowballs tend to do, this one gathered speed as it went flying down the hill toward ultimate disaster. The funny thing about it too, is that the second I saw the email title, I knew it where it was going. The title read, "So I was thinkin'..." This never a good thing- please heed this warning, nothing good can be contained in such an email. I shouldve known better. I shouldve deleted the damn thing then and there, and saved myself the grief, but lets be honest, do we ever foresee danger like this and not let curiosity get the best of us? Of course not!

"So I was thinkin'..." it read. "Here we go," I thought. The next few emails were chock full of playful, and flirty banter about the past. Curious to see if The Candy Man would actually come out and say what it is he was beating around, I indulged him a bit. While I did answer the question whether or not pregnancy wrecked my body, I did not say anything more than what I have told any of you, so I dont know why it should have elicited the response I got. None of you, male or female has said anything like this to me!! I was shocked!

The following is the ACTUAL email (only his name has been omitted, and substituted with ***Candy Man***) that he sent me. Read it, and honestly let me know what you think he is asking for here:

Yes it is...and I need some special ***Candy Man*** pics. I want to see the new rockin' bod! Also if I remember correctly you once described your boobs as Reese Witherspoon boobs...which celebrity would you say now...and let's see if I agree...I don't know...it might not be the same without blonde hair though... lol A true blonde as some of us know :)

Again, nothing but his name was omitted from this email. I dont know about you, but the word that springs to mind is DOUCHEBAG. Or is it two words? DOUCHE BAG. Spell check says it is two. Hmmm, semantics...

ANYHOW, as my totally awesome and sarcastic as hell cousin "Jescas" would say (Read her blog, RandomSlant to see what I mean- theres a link on the left side of this page), "What a f**king DOUCHEBAG!". But, as I sat there, offended beyond belief, I couldnt quite seem to write that statement. I also wanted to tell him what he should do with himself, and where he could most certainly go to do it, but I couldnt. It also crossed my mind that I could have just written something short and sweet, along the lines of: "Hey Candy Man, youre a F**king DOUCHEBAG. The End.", but, again, something inside wouldnt let me. Its that damned softness I was talking about... (Exasperated sigh) I blame the baby. (Shaking head)

Instead of going with my gut, I reasoned with myself.... I mean, we were together for 3 years, things were serious... We had been in that place before, and well, he has a PENIS. Now we have made our peace about everything, and perhaps this was just a moment of weakness nourished by nostalgia. I mean, I looked good when we were together, but I look even better now.... And, yeah, he has a PENIS.

For some reason, once the penis has seen you, it thinks it always has a right to go back to that place. That is of course why the penis is generally kept behind at least one protective layer (clothing), and a metal restraining device (known as a zipper) to keep it in check. The penis itself has no ability to think about anything besides itself. This was how I reasoned it out before writing my response.

So what did I write? Ill spare you the whole thing, since as you know, I tend to take the long route getting to my point. Basically, I wrote to him that I was really uncomfortable in what that he wrote, because he was basically asking me for naked, or topless photos. I went on to explain that I wasnt all disgusted with him, because I know we were in that place in our past, but I just dont want to go there in our future. At least, I am not willing to go there right now. I was really glad to get to find him online, but at this time, all I am willing to offer is a chance to rebuild our friendship. Now I dont know about you, but I think that was letting him off EASY!

The response I got blew me away. It shouldnt have, but it did. In return I got a scathing email about how he has no idea how I could possibly think that he was asking for naked or topless photos. All he wanted was bikini pictures! He was hurt, and insulted that I thought he was that kind of guy! Oh, the indignity!! He thought maybe because of our past, we could joke around, which apparently was what the "natural blonde" comment was meant to be, not some perverted insinuation that he knows I indeed do dye my hair dark, although, I cant see how this is a non-sexual joke. Can you?

My favorite part of all? The "Whatever...but I forgive you because Im a Christian" part of the email. And the "God bless you" at the very end. Yeah, God Bless you, just like Dane Cook says it- where its more like "F*ck off, in Jesus' name!". I LOVE that. The insincerity of it all, and the, "Im a better person than you because I insult you in Jesus' name", is what makes most of the world hate Christians. Thanks Candy Man, for helping the cause along.

So I guess now its up to you all... Am I crazy? (Gnarls Barkley plays)
Do you think I let my imagination run wild with his email, as he suggested? Did I turn an innocent, non-sexual "joke" about the fact that he knows I am a natural blonde into something dirty?! Or does it sound more like he is embarrassed at the fact that I called him out on his shit, and so resorted to his old ways of immediate and scathing defense? I know what I think, but please, tell me what you all think!!

I guess this incident once again just proves to me my original thought: You can put lipstick on a pig, dress it up, and take it to a tea party, but its still a PIG! What do I mean? People dont change. Sure, people can learn to modify their behavior, but deep down inside, they are the same person. Perhaps they replace one behavior with a more constructive one, but there is still that innate tendency to react a certain way, to certain situations. And, while they may be able to keep it under wraps for the most part, its still always there, lurking, waiting to rear its ugly head, which undoubtedly, it one day, some time, will.

So really, you CAN put lipstick on a pig, but why would you want to? Its still a pig, even after its snout is glossed with your $26 Chanel lipstick. And what do you really get for your trouble? I mean, it wasnt easy to gloss the ungrateful swine in the first place, so why go through the trouble? In the end, it will prove to you that it was worth the 2 month wait for that exclusive color, Waikiki, because my God is it beautiful! But then youll suddenly realize that you wasted something so valuable.... on a PIG. A dirty, disgusting animal, that couldnt care less, and would eat your flesh off the bones if it went for more than 2 days without eating. Oh yeah, now it makes sense why mobsters always keep pig farms, doesnt it?

You my friends, are that dazzling, beautiful, wait-worthy, to die for Chanel lipstick, and the pig is that person you have wasted too much time, and frankly too much of yourself investing in. Take it from me friends, you can put lipstick on a pig, but why waste such a precious commodity? Dont waste even a single application of your beautiful Chanel color on just anyone, make sure its someone worthy who appreciates it (and by it, I mean YOU), and all of your wonderful beauty and splendor, inside and out.



Thats all from the COUCH for tonight, XOXOXO's all the way around.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Never Say Never....

So much spice today, so little time kids!! Seriously, I dont even know where to start.

Get comfortable on the couch, here we go!

So todays musings come courtesy of McDonald's. Yes, you heard me correctly, McDonald's. As in, the folks responsible for Beyonce's "hit" Bootylicious (as she is an admitted MccyD's addict), and as in how happy will that meal really feel when theyre wheeling you into the OR for quadruple bypass surgery?! Yeah, thats the real reason that EFFING clown smiles so much. Hes smiling and laughing all day, all the way to the bank, baby!

But, I digress...

So todays post comes to you courtesy of McDonald's, and no not because they are sponsoring this. In fact, its kinda the other way around. This week, *I* have been sponsoring McDonalds!! I know, Im as shocked as you are.... In fact, I cant even think of the last time I frequented a McDonalds for something even as trivial as to use the bathroom, let alone to obtain sustinence...

But, this week, I have actually gone to McDonalds 3 times. Dear God, this is madness! It sounds so much worse to me when I actually say it out loud. I went to McDonald's 3 times this week!!

DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT!

So, the first time, I went through the drive-thru because I was STARVING, and I had seen a commercial earlier that morning for that fruit and yogurt parfait. Being that McDonalds was right there, and I only had $1, I figured it was my best option. Fruit, yogurt, and some granola.... not such a bad alternative to the other things usually on the dollar menu.

Two minutes later, I hand over my $1.08 scraped up from the floor of my car, and the nice lady hands me the parfait. At this point I am famished, so I didnt even really wait to get home to try it; it looked harmless enough to be edible. So I take a bite and OMG! It was so good, it bordered on euphoric. It was like an explosion of taste in my mouth, and I could almost hear the tune "Afternoon Delight" playing in my mind.... kinda like that scene from Anchorman, but decidedly less silly. Hahaha.

Tuesday rolls around, and I am once again in my car, working through lunch. The familiar pangs of hunger come, but this time I instantly want another fruit parfait. Feeling a little bit guilty, I wait another half hour before giving into the unbearable urge to have McDonalds again. This time, I ordered and was skeptical. I wasnt nearly as hungry as the last time, maybe it was just so good because I was starving...

Sadly, I was wrong. This time, I distinctly heard "Afternoon Delight" playing in my mind.

Today, was my third offense, but this time.... I got the BIG one. They are so damn good!! I think I have a problem. Seriously, I am fiening for one right now as I type this post...

So whats the point of this whole story? Besides turning something as mundane into going to McDonalds into good entertainment?

Never say NEVER!!

I generally am pretty good at abiding by this rule myself, because I am a big believer in the premise that you can never truly rule anything out, and this is a prime example. I actually have a few others, but I think Ill leave it at this for now.

Never say "NEVER" kids! Because the day that you say "I would NEVER __insert what youd never do here___", is the day before you wake up, knee deep in "__whatever__".

Trust me, I know about these things, and Im not just talking parfaits either. Ill let you all draw your own speculations on that... after all, you know the reputation of the couch...

Have a good night kids! Catch ya later.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Purple Couch

So, I know what you all are thinking.... what kind of a metaphor is the purple couch?? Well, Ill tell you!

The meaning behind the purple couch, is really an intriguing one. As you may know, purple is considered by many cultures to be a color representing sacred things such as Deity, love, and power. That is why often religious ceremonies and garments of royalty in all different types of cultures and societies, are often made out of the regal color purple. The idea behind couch however should be obvious... a safe, comforting place to sit and share, and.... bullshit.

No, really, the purple couch, is just that: an actual, purple couch. Heres the real story...

I have always wanted a purple couch. Now, this is one of those random little things that you think about as your stuck in traffic, or daydreaming during that REALLY boring meeting at work that youre supposed to be paying attention to... One of those things you kinda think about, and put on your tentative list of things to eventually do. I mean, how dope would it be to have a big, comfy, PURPLE couch?! Pretty dope in my opinion.

So, Im zipping through life, and the purple couch only comes into my mind every now and then. Why should I think more about it? I hadnt ever seen the kind of purple couch that I had envisioned, so maybe it didnt even exist. Then, in the beginning of 2003, I finally met someone who actually has a purple couch! Of course, I didnt know that when we first met, but I can say in all honesty that we both knew that we liked each other right away. Its weird how you can just tell sometimes that youre going to get along with certain people, isnt it?

Anyhow, Daisy and I became fast friends. We are very much alike, and the traits we have that do differ, really complement and help bring out the best in the other. Were pretty much just like peas and carrots (imitating Forrest Gump). So one day the purple couch entered my mind while Daisy and I were at lunch. When I told her about my passing whimsy of one day owning a purple couch, she laughed out loud. Whats so funny you ask? Turns out she owns a purple couch!! This of course, excited me very much! This was proof positive we were indeed meant to be friends forever.

Since discovering that the perfect purple couch does indeed exist in the Spring of 2003, my life has definitely changed! The purple couch is not only the place to which many, many important things have been discussed, it is also where many tears have been shed, and where an indeterminable number of hours of laughter (and glasses of alcohol) and good times have been had. The purple couch has also seen, shall we say, "spicy" adventure, as well as lots of musing and other misadventures...

For everyone's favorite FRIENDS (yes, as in the TV show) the place life happened and was relived was the coffee shop, for Daisy Swain and I it has been the purple couch...

So get comfortable and enjoy the sometimes crazy and unbelievable, yet TRUE, Tales from the Purple Couch...