So, todays tale was a few days in the making. Sure, I could have capriciously thrown this together, and still probably made a half-decent, mildly entertaining story out of it, but thankfully I waited for inspiration to strike. And, strike it did.
I am here to tell you today people that you CAN put lipstick on a pig, but in the end, its still a PIG. What exactly do I mean? Read on.
It has occurred to me recently, that motherhood has made me a little soft. No, Im not talking about pudgy- Im in the best shape of my life, thanks for asking!! Rather, Im talking about soft in the way that I am so much more forgiving, and graceful of people lately. (Sigh) I blame the baby. (Shaking head)
As, I mulled over this particular occurrence, and of course, discussed it over coffee on the COUCH with Daisy, we came to the conclusion that the old me would have definitely let this person have it. After all, I gave this person WAYY too much grace given the circumstance, but he still did the skeezy thing, and tried to turn the situation around on me. Suddenly, I was the bad guy (or woman) in this situation. And ya know, I just let it go- maybe I was making too much of it. Its just that I find it so disappointing when someone you know who claims to have changed, goes and acts exactly the same as they did before. I am pretty damn sure I am right and this person is WAY wrong and out of line.... but, I let it fly...
As the days have passed, I havent been able to stop thinking about it, so I decided I will leave it up to you to decide who is the asshole here. I mean, I could be wrong, and please tell me if I am, but I dont think so. I guess youll just have to let me know.
So, now that Ive rambled on for long enough, lets just get down to it, shall we?
As you can probably guess, this post comes to you courtesy of someone from my past. In this post, and here on out should he be mentioned again, we shall call him "The Candy Man". Carrie B. had "Mr. Big", and I have The Candy Man. Funny enough, there are quite a lot of similarities between Mr. Big and The Candy Man, except that in the end, Mr. Big finally decided to pull his head out of his ass. But, this is probably due to the fact that Mr. Big is indeed, a fictional character. Things always work out in the movies, dont they?
Anyhow, The Candy Man.... The Candy Man and I had a great, yet tumultuous love affair, some number of years ago. Seriously people, think Mr. Big and Carrie B., minus the happy ending. Finally, after 3 years, I completely cut ties with The Candy Man. It was really hard to do, but for the most part I was confident I had done the right thing.
Fast forward to a few years later, and guess what happened? Of course you guessed it- Myspace. So I figure, its been a LONG time, I am fine to talk to him again. After all, it was 3 years of my life, and even though we had some rocky times, there really was a lot of good in the relationship. It was really one of those relationships where you were all in- not only was The Candy Man my boyfriend, but he was my best friend. We had a bond that was really special. I thought to myself, why not?
Obviously, we started talking again, and it was great to get a chance to say all the things I had wanted to say, but didnt. I could finally say all those things about how much I really loved him, and despite certain aspects of his character at the time, I knew he loved me back. It was so easy to just come out and matter-of-factly say these things because not only had it been so long, but we werent in the midst of the relationship any longer, and nothing was on the line. Its amazing how clear things are once you are on the other side of the fence, isnt it?
It was also really great to finally get to hear out loud the things I really did know already in my heart- that he was sorry for how things ended, and that all my love and efforts for him were not in vain- but I was surprised how cathartic the validation really was. If I lived the rest of my days, and never heard him tell me those things, I still would have lived happily ever after, but hearing them really meant a lot to me. More infact, than I couldve imagined...
In my mind, that was as far as I was expecting anything to go. You never do know when dealing with an EX if it is possible to do more than finally give each other closure, so I didnt have any real expectations after those emails ended. But, as the days turned into weeks, little emails here and there were exchanged, and I guess it was bound to happen. What happened you ask? Nostalgia kicked in and wrecked its havoc on an otherwise, blissfully casual situation.
At first, it was little things like, seeing an old picture The Candy Man has posted, from when we were together. This of course segued into other things, and as snowballs tend to do, this one gathered speed as it went flying down the hill toward ultimate disaster. The funny thing about it too, is that the second I saw the email title, I knew it where it was going. The title read, "So I was thinkin'..." This never a good thing- please heed this warning, nothing good can be contained in such an email. I shouldve known better. I shouldve deleted the damn thing then and there, and saved myself the grief, but lets be honest, do we ever foresee danger like this and not let curiosity get the best of us? Of course not!
"So I was thinkin'..." it read. "Here we go," I thought. The next few emails were chock full of playful, and flirty banter about the past. Curious to see if The Candy Man would actually come out and say what it is he was beating around, I indulged him a bit. While I did answer the question whether or not pregnancy wrecked my body, I did not say anything more than what I have told any of you, so I dont know why it should have elicited the response I got. None of you, male or female has said anything like this to me!! I was shocked!
The following is the ACTUAL email (only his name has been omitted, and substituted with ***Candy Man***) that he sent me. Read it, and honestly let me know what you think he is asking for here:
Yes it is...and I need some special ***Candy Man*** pics. I want to see the new rockin' bod! Also if I remember correctly you once described your boobs as Reese Witherspoon boobs...which celebrity would you say now...and let's see if I agree...I don't know...it might not be the same without blonde hair though... lol A true blonde as some of us know :)
Again, nothing but his name was omitted from this email. I dont know about you, but the word that springs to mind is DOUCHEBAG. Or is it two words? DOUCHE BAG. Spell check says it is two. Hmmm, semantics...
ANYHOW, as my totally awesome and sarcastic as hell cousin "Jescas" would say (Read her blog, RandomSlant to see what I mean- theres a link on the left side of this page), "What a f**king DOUCHEBAG!". But, as I sat there, offended beyond belief, I couldnt quite seem to write that statement. I also wanted to tell him what he should do with himself, and where he could most certainly go to do it, but I couldnt. It also crossed my mind that I could have just written something short and sweet, along the lines of: "Hey Candy Man, youre a F**king DOUCHEBAG. The End.", but, again, something inside wouldnt let me. Its that damned softness I was talking about... (Exasperated sigh) I blame the baby. (Shaking head)
Instead of going with my gut, I reasoned with myself.... I mean, we were together for 3 years, things were serious... We had been in that place before, and well, he has a PENIS. Now we have made our peace about everything, and perhaps this was just a moment of weakness nourished by nostalgia. I mean, I looked good when we were together, but I look even better now.... And, yeah, he has a PENIS.
For some reason, once the penis has seen you, it thinks it always has a right to go back to that place. That is of course why the penis is generally kept behind at least one protective layer (clothing), and a metal restraining device (known as a zipper) to keep it in check. The penis itself has no ability to think about anything besides itself. This was how I reasoned it out before writing my response.
So what did I write? Ill spare you the whole thing, since as you know, I tend to take the long route getting to my point. Basically, I wrote to him that I was really uncomfortable in what that he wrote, because he was basically asking me for naked, or topless photos. I went on to explain that I wasnt all disgusted with him, because I know we were in that place in our past, but I just dont want to go there in our future. At least, I am not willing to go there right now. I was really glad to get to find him online, but at this time, all I am willing to offer is a chance to rebuild our friendship. Now I dont know about you, but I think that was letting him off EASY!
The response I got blew me away. It shouldnt have, but it did. In return I got a scathing email about how he has no idea how I could possibly think that he was asking for naked or topless photos. All he wanted was bikini pictures! He was hurt, and insulted that I thought he was that kind of guy! Oh, the indignity!! He thought maybe because of our past, we could joke around, which apparently was what the "natural blonde" comment was meant to be, not some perverted insinuation that he knows I indeed do dye my hair dark, although, I cant see how this is a non-sexual joke. Can you?
My favorite part of all? The "Whatever...but I forgive you because Im a Christian" part of the email. And the "God bless you" at the very end. Yeah, God Bless you, just like Dane Cook says it- where its more like "F*ck off, in Jesus' name!". I LOVE that. The insincerity of it all, and the, "Im a better person than you because I insult you in Jesus' name", is what makes most of the world hate Christians. Thanks Candy Man, for helping the cause along.
So I guess now its up to you all... Am I crazy? (Gnarls Barkley plays)
I am here to tell you today people that you CAN put lipstick on a pig, but in the end, its still a PIG. What exactly do I mean? Read on.
It has occurred to me recently, that motherhood has made me a little soft. No, Im not talking about pudgy- Im in the best shape of my life, thanks for asking!! Rather, Im talking about soft in the way that I am so much more forgiving, and graceful of people lately. (Sigh) I blame the baby. (Shaking head)
As, I mulled over this particular occurrence, and of course, discussed it over coffee on the COUCH with Daisy, we came to the conclusion that the old me would have definitely let this person have it. After all, I gave this person WAYY too much grace given the circumstance, but he still did the skeezy thing, and tried to turn the situation around on me. Suddenly, I was the bad guy (or woman) in this situation. And ya know, I just let it go- maybe I was making too much of it. Its just that I find it so disappointing when someone you know who claims to have changed, goes and acts exactly the same as they did before. I am pretty damn sure I am right and this person is WAY wrong and out of line.... but, I let it fly...
As the days have passed, I havent been able to stop thinking about it, so I decided I will leave it up to you to decide who is the asshole here. I mean, I could be wrong, and please tell me if I am, but I dont think so. I guess youll just have to let me know.
So, now that Ive rambled on for long enough, lets just get down to it, shall we?
As you can probably guess, this post comes to you courtesy of someone from my past. In this post, and here on out should he be mentioned again, we shall call him "The Candy Man". Carrie B. had "Mr. Big", and I have The Candy Man. Funny enough, there are quite a lot of similarities between Mr. Big and The Candy Man, except that in the end, Mr. Big finally decided to pull his head out of his ass. But, this is probably due to the fact that Mr. Big is indeed, a fictional character. Things always work out in the movies, dont they?
Anyhow, The Candy Man.... The Candy Man and I had a great, yet tumultuous love affair, some number of years ago. Seriously people, think Mr. Big and Carrie B., minus the happy ending. Finally, after 3 years, I completely cut ties with The Candy Man. It was really hard to do, but for the most part I was confident I had done the right thing.
Fast forward to a few years later, and guess what happened? Of course you guessed it- Myspace. So I figure, its been a LONG time, I am fine to talk to him again. After all, it was 3 years of my life, and even though we had some rocky times, there really was a lot of good in the relationship. It was really one of those relationships where you were all in- not only was The Candy Man my boyfriend, but he was my best friend. We had a bond that was really special. I thought to myself, why not?
Obviously, we started talking again, and it was great to get a chance to say all the things I had wanted to say, but didnt. I could finally say all those things about how much I really loved him, and despite certain aspects of his character at the time, I knew he loved me back. It was so easy to just come out and matter-of-factly say these things because not only had it been so long, but we werent in the midst of the relationship any longer, and nothing was on the line. Its amazing how clear things are once you are on the other side of the fence, isnt it?
It was also really great to finally get to hear out loud the things I really did know already in my heart- that he was sorry for how things ended, and that all my love and efforts for him were not in vain- but I was surprised how cathartic the validation really was. If I lived the rest of my days, and never heard him tell me those things, I still would have lived happily ever after, but hearing them really meant a lot to me. More infact, than I couldve imagined...
In my mind, that was as far as I was expecting anything to go. You never do know when dealing with an EX if it is possible to do more than finally give each other closure, so I didnt have any real expectations after those emails ended. But, as the days turned into weeks, little emails here and there were exchanged, and I guess it was bound to happen. What happened you ask? Nostalgia kicked in and wrecked its havoc on an otherwise, blissfully casual situation.
At first, it was little things like, seeing an old picture The Candy Man has posted, from when we were together. This of course segued into other things, and as snowballs tend to do, this one gathered speed as it went flying down the hill toward ultimate disaster. The funny thing about it too, is that the second I saw the email title, I knew it where it was going. The title read, "So I was thinkin'..." This never a good thing- please heed this warning, nothing good can be contained in such an email. I shouldve known better. I shouldve deleted the damn thing then and there, and saved myself the grief, but lets be honest, do we ever foresee danger like this and not let curiosity get the best of us? Of course not!
"So I was thinkin'..." it read. "Here we go," I thought. The next few emails were chock full of playful, and flirty banter about the past. Curious to see if The Candy Man would actually come out and say what it is he was beating around, I indulged him a bit. While I did answer the question whether or not pregnancy wrecked my body, I did not say anything more than what I have told any of you, so I dont know why it should have elicited the response I got. None of you, male or female has said anything like this to me!! I was shocked!
The following is the ACTUAL email (only his name has been omitted, and substituted with ***Candy Man***) that he sent me. Read it, and honestly let me know what you think he is asking for here:
Yes it is...and I need some special ***Candy Man*** pics. I want to see the new rockin' bod! Also if I remember correctly you once described your boobs as Reese Witherspoon boobs...which celebrity would you say now...and let's see if I agree...I don't know...it might not be the same without blonde hair though... lol A true blonde as some of us know :)
Again, nothing but his name was omitted from this email. I dont know about you, but the word that springs to mind is DOUCHEBAG. Or is it two words? DOUCHE BAG. Spell check says it is two. Hmmm, semantics...
ANYHOW, as my totally awesome and sarcastic as hell cousin "Jescas" would say (Read her blog, RandomSlant to see what I mean- theres a link on the left side of this page), "What a f**king DOUCHEBAG!". But, as I sat there, offended beyond belief, I couldnt quite seem to write that statement. I also wanted to tell him what he should do with himself, and where he could most certainly go to do it, but I couldnt. It also crossed my mind that I could have just written something short and sweet, along the lines of: "Hey Candy Man, youre a F**king DOUCHEBAG. The End.", but, again, something inside wouldnt let me. Its that damned softness I was talking about... (Exasperated sigh) I blame the baby. (Shaking head)
Instead of going with my gut, I reasoned with myself.... I mean, we were together for 3 years, things were serious... We had been in that place before, and well, he has a PENIS. Now we have made our peace about everything, and perhaps this was just a moment of weakness nourished by nostalgia. I mean, I looked good when we were together, but I look even better now.... And, yeah, he has a PENIS.
For some reason, once the penis has seen you, it thinks it always has a right to go back to that place. That is of course why the penis is generally kept behind at least one protective layer (clothing), and a metal restraining device (known as a zipper) to keep it in check. The penis itself has no ability to think about anything besides itself. This was how I reasoned it out before writing my response.
So what did I write? Ill spare you the whole thing, since as you know, I tend to take the long route getting to my point. Basically, I wrote to him that I was really uncomfortable in what that he wrote, because he was basically asking me for naked, or topless photos. I went on to explain that I wasnt all disgusted with him, because I know we were in that place in our past, but I just dont want to go there in our future. At least, I am not willing to go there right now. I was really glad to get to find him online, but at this time, all I am willing to offer is a chance to rebuild our friendship. Now I dont know about you, but I think that was letting him off EASY!
The response I got blew me away. It shouldnt have, but it did. In return I got a scathing email about how he has no idea how I could possibly think that he was asking for naked or topless photos. All he wanted was bikini pictures! He was hurt, and insulted that I thought he was that kind of guy! Oh, the indignity!! He thought maybe because of our past, we could joke around, which apparently was what the "natural blonde" comment was meant to be, not some perverted insinuation that he knows I indeed do dye my hair dark, although, I cant see how this is a non-sexual joke. Can you?
My favorite part of all? The "Whatever...but I forgive you because Im a Christian" part of the email. And the "God bless you" at the very end. Yeah, God Bless you, just like Dane Cook says it- where its more like "F*ck off, in Jesus' name!". I LOVE that. The insincerity of it all, and the, "Im a better person than you because I insult you in Jesus' name", is what makes most of the world hate Christians. Thanks Candy Man, for helping the cause along.
So I guess now its up to you all... Am I crazy? (Gnarls Barkley plays)
Do you think I let my imagination run wild with his email, as he suggested? Did I turn an innocent, non-sexual "joke" about the fact that he knows I am a natural blonde into something dirty?! Or does it sound more like he is embarrassed at the fact that I called him out on his shit, and so resorted to his old ways of immediate and scathing defense? I know what I think, but please, tell me what you all think!!
I guess this incident once again just proves to me my original thought: You can put lipstick on a pig, dress it up, and take it to a tea party, but its still a PIG! What do I mean? People dont change. Sure, people can learn to modify their behavior, but deep down inside, they are the same person. Perhaps they replace one behavior with a more constructive one, but there is still that innate tendency to react a certain way, to certain situations. And, while they may be able to keep it under wraps for the most part, its still always there, lurking, waiting to rear its ugly head, which undoubtedly, it one day, some time, will.
So really, you CAN put lipstick on a pig, but why would you want to? Its still a pig, even after its snout is glossed with your $26 Chanel lipstick. And what do you really get for your trouble? I mean, it wasnt easy to gloss the ungrateful swine in the first place, so why go through the trouble? In the end, it will prove to you that it was worth the 2 month wait for that exclusive color, Waikiki, because my God is it beautiful! But then youll suddenly realize that you wasted something so valuable.... on a PIG. A dirty, disgusting animal, that couldnt care less, and would eat your flesh off the bones if it went for more than 2 days without eating. Oh yeah, now it makes sense why mobsters always keep pig farms, doesnt it?
You my friends, are that dazzling, beautiful, wait-worthy, to die for Chanel lipstick, and the pig is that person you have wasted too much time, and frankly too much of yourself investing in. Take it from me friends, you can put lipstick on a pig, but why waste such a precious commodity? Dont waste even a single application of your beautiful Chanel color on just anyone, make sure its someone worthy who appreciates it (and by it, I mean YOU), and all of your wonderful beauty and splendor, inside and out.
Thats all from the COUCH for tonight, XOXOXO's all the way around.
I guess this incident once again just proves to me my original thought: You can put lipstick on a pig, dress it up, and take it to a tea party, but its still a PIG! What do I mean? People dont change. Sure, people can learn to modify their behavior, but deep down inside, they are the same person. Perhaps they replace one behavior with a more constructive one, but there is still that innate tendency to react a certain way, to certain situations. And, while they may be able to keep it under wraps for the most part, its still always there, lurking, waiting to rear its ugly head, which undoubtedly, it one day, some time, will.
So really, you CAN put lipstick on a pig, but why would you want to? Its still a pig, even after its snout is glossed with your $26 Chanel lipstick. And what do you really get for your trouble? I mean, it wasnt easy to gloss the ungrateful swine in the first place, so why go through the trouble? In the end, it will prove to you that it was worth the 2 month wait for that exclusive color, Waikiki, because my God is it beautiful! But then youll suddenly realize that you wasted something so valuable.... on a PIG. A dirty, disgusting animal, that couldnt care less, and would eat your flesh off the bones if it went for more than 2 days without eating. Oh yeah, now it makes sense why mobsters always keep pig farms, doesnt it?
You my friends, are that dazzling, beautiful, wait-worthy, to die for Chanel lipstick, and the pig is that person you have wasted too much time, and frankly too much of yourself investing in. Take it from me friends, you can put lipstick on a pig, but why waste such a precious commodity? Dont waste even a single application of your beautiful Chanel color on just anyone, make sure its someone worthy who appreciates it (and by it, I mean YOU), and all of your wonderful beauty and splendor, inside and out.
Thats all from the COUCH for tonight, XOXOXO's all the way around.
1 comment:
HAHA DOUCHEBAG!!!!
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