Taking the Long Way...

So, I did something I havent done in a very long time tonight...

I sat and watched TV!

And not like I used to watch TV, where it was on in the background, and I was doing the dishes, or working on stuff for work, or compiling pictures of the baby to send to everyone.... I just sat and watched TV. Actually, cable, but thats besides the point.

Tonight I watched the movie The Holiday with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz, and I have to admit that I saw myself in the main characters. Actually, what was going through my mind as I watched, was the thought that no matter where you go, your problems go with you. Even if you go to a totally different place, such as another country, the people there are still all having the same kinds of problems. Its a pretty good movie, and Kate Winslet had some great little monologues. My favorite being the one where she jubilantly exclaimed:

"I have a life to live, and *you're* not going to be in it!!"

Obviously, this was said to the sleazy male bastard character in her story, at her moment of clarity....

And, I gotta say, this really resonated with me, particularly because it felt like my goodbye to The Candy Man. Haha, look at that, he did get another nod. And, as you might be asking yourself, which goodbye is she talking about, my answer is a resounding, BOTH.

What a douchebag. Heres a recent picture of him, so we can all mock him together and have a nice laugh. Join me, wont you?!

Note: Please feel free to submit this photo to the Douchebag O' the Day blog,

or any other competition where pathetic guys like this are mocked.

This is his profile picture off his myspace page! No, I am 100% SERIOUS!!

I couldnt have doctored a photo myself, that made him look like more ridiculous and self absorbed, even if I tried!! This picture actually even smells. Cant you smell it? The EGO....the arrogance....the half-gallon jug of self-tanner. Oh yeah! Zac Effron, eat your heart out!!

But I digress...

Anyhow, the original thought I was kicking around in my head was about this entire premise. The idea that you can run from things all you want, but eventually, you just have to come to a place where you realize your problems before you can move on and be free from them. Some do it quickly, others, as the title of this post suggests, prefer to take the long way. In the end however, the destination is the same.

So, I sat down to try to write this idea out in a blog, but first read my cousin Jess' blog. After reading it, I know I cant do the subject justice like she did. Youll just have to click here to go read it for yourself.

The post is called "Serious Face", and well, its downright brilliant. Short, sweet, honest. One of the best pieces of writing Ive read in.... I dont know how long. Sometimes its best to just get to the heart of the matter, without the frill and fluff to dress things up and seem like more than they really are. Obviously, we all know that is not something I am very good at, since no matter how hard I try, I seem to always take the long way, both literally and literaturely(?).... well, you know what I mean.

So do yourself a favor, and take the short way home tonight. Check out Jess' post (Serious Face). I couldnt possibly say it better (or as well for that matter) myself.

Its Been a While...

Wow! So, its been a while since Ive blogged!

I actually didnt even realize it had been so long until just now. But, you know how it is. Dealing with all of the fan mail and the paparazzi and all... Its not easy being internationally adored.

Why, just the other day I even got solicited by 4 lawyers in a Mercedes AMG. (Sigh) The price of fame isnt cheap.

JK! Except, that Mercedes thing actually happened to me on Thursday!

It was pretty funny. I was leaving an appointment with a client in Irvine, and was leaning over to try to make sure a left turn was indeed going to take me to the freeway, when I noticed the car next to me. It was a very nice, expensive, Mercedes Benz S65 AMG filled with 4 youngish-looking lawyers. I looked over, only to see them all smile at me, and wave, as I realized they must have thought I was looking at them. The fact that all 4 of them looked so excited over the whole thing made me laugh and shake my head.

As I snapped back to my reality, I waiting for the light to change, as I thought about what I needed to do when getting back to the office. I thought about the email I needed to send to this customer, and the samples I needed to order for that customer. And I agonized over the thought of the.... WTF?!! Who is HONKING?! The loud blaring of a horn interrupted my thoughts, and I became mildly annoyed. The light is RED, there is nowhere I can go, who keeps (HONK, HONK!!)

Suddenly, I knew where the honking was coming from, and looking over to my immediate left confirmed my suspicions. It was infact my friends in the Mercedes. Apparently now that they had seen me laugh a mere second ago, I guess they thought that at least one of them might have a chance. If not so much for their boyish good looks (hahaha), then most certainly because of the fact that they were rollin to lunch at the Souplantation in a $200K car.

And, they werent merely just honking their increasingly annoying loud horn, 2 of them were hanging out the window. Seriously, WTF?! This is Irvine, CA. You have to have a permit from the city in order to paint your office a different color than taupe- seriously not much of an exaggeration. But, there they were, at 1210pm on a Thursday- hanging out the window of their exorbiantly priced German poon mobile. The overzealous younger guy in the backseat was trying to hand me his business card, while the balding guy riding shotgun had out his Mont Blanc pen and a legal pad(true story), so he could write down my phone number.

What did I do? I realized they were driving a $200K MERCEDES people and I took the better looking guy's business card!! Good Lord, I dont want to live at my parents house for the rest of my life!!

Just kidding. I smiled and laughed at them, waiving thanks but no thanks to them. Sure it was a little flattering, but I had bigger fish to fry that day. Besides, I can tell you what wouldve happened:

The Mercedes actually belongs to the Sr. partner of the law firm, who is Mr. Mont Blanc's daddy. The other 3 guys in the car are corporate brown nosers, who are just trying to ride Mr. Mont Blanc's coat tails, by being his friend. They have no real interest in him as a person. This is mostly due to the fact that he doesnt really have much of a personality to speak of, but thats what happens when you are raised by a nanny and sent to pricy private schools where they give out awards for the kids who *almost* made the *2nd* honor roll. (Seriously, they do that now).

And add to all this the fact that Mr. Mont Blanc is actually 23. That right there is enough for me to automatically disqualify any candidadte, regardless of how handsome, witty, or rich he may be. Even worse is the fact that he is only 23 **and** balding already. While our specimen does still live at home with his parents, and I cannot disqualify him for that because of that whole glass houses thing, and too, because his parents digs are much nicer than where I am currently crashing, I must remind you that, hes 23...

And BALDING. (And not in the way that actually looks sexy on some guys)

And works for his daddy.

And his mommy still washes his clothes....

The verdict?

Yeah, not so much.

So, while the rest of my week was decidedly less entertaining than this, it has been incredibly busy. Anyone who is a praying man or woman, say a quick one for me! The bigger fish to fry I mentioned in the story here is about to hit the pan tomorrow morning. Ill let y'all know how it turns out. And, coincidentally, if you are not of the praying persuasion, send positive thoughts and vibes my way!! Or, I dunno, maybe try out a quick little prayer. You dont believe in it anyway, so whats the harm? It just shows you care about me, and in the end, thats all anyone ever really wants, isnt it? To know their friends and family loves and cares about them, even if we dont agree on everything?

Nitey Night!

That DAMNED bus!

Is it just me, or does it seem that whenever you are *right* on time, or perhaps running a few minutes late, you always seem to get stuck behind the slowest car on the road? You know, the one with the "Wheres the Beef?!" lady behind the wheel, who can barely see over the dashboard. You try your best to get around Granny, but you just cant seem to make it happen, and as precious moments slip by, so does your chances of getting to your destination on time.

And, doesnt it always seem to happen too, that once you finally break free from driving-BEHIND-Miss Daisy, that you inevitably next encounter, the BUS! That DAMNED bus!! Going slow, and of course then stopping to let out passengers, as all the other cars in the lanes next to you go zinging by, honking rudely at you because youre trying to get out from behind the flippin bus.

(Sigh) The bus...

So tonight I was in this very situation, on my way to have dinner with an old college buddy Dr. Ravioli. I only call him this because no one actually knows how to correctly pronounce his last name. In fact, come to think of it, I dont even think I know how to spell it. It starts with an Flo, then there is an R in there somewhere, and some L's and I's, and I know it sounds like Ravioli at the end. For simplicity's sake, we shall do as everyone else does and either just call him Dr. Dave, or Dr. Ravioli.

But I digress...

Anyhow, I was on my way to have dinner with Dr. Dave, when I encountered Mother Earth. Thankfully, it didnt take me more than half of a block to liberate myself from her speed sucking gravitational pull. Haha!! I was once again flying down the road, confident I would indeed be there by my original ETA. Optimistically, I mused at how fortunate I had been to have missed most of the traffic, when it happened. What happened? What do you think?! Just as fate would have it, my happy thoughts were interrupted as, of course, I next found myself behind the bus. Fate is a sick son of a bitch.

As I watched helplessly bemoaning my fate, the tirade against public transportation began inside my head. Cars sped past me on both sides, and there was nothing I could do. By this time, I was so annoyed, that I didnt even stop to wonder what kind of bus in fact this was because it was not in the slow lane. I was just pissed I was going to possibly be 3 minutes late. I HATE being late, even if no one else is on time. I know, its a sickness.

Finally, I saw my opportunity, and I seized it! YES!!!! Freedom!! Only then did it occur to me that this bus looked a lot different than most buses. Same size yes, but different colors. This was about as far as my thought process went, because mere seconds later, I was in front of the it, and once again on track. Fate could kiss my ass.

I know what youre thinking....FAMOUS LAST WORDS. Famous last words indeed.

It wasnt until I sped around the bus, and got in front of it, that I read what was on the front. The initials O.C.P.D S.W.A.T were painted on the front, but they were seperated by this cheesy cartoonish eagle, so it was more like. What a lame looking eagle, who uses an eagle on an RV or bus, I thought to myself. Then, I looked closer.

O.C.P.D (cheesy eagle graphic) S.W.A.T.

No sooner had it occurred to me that this was actually Orange County Police Department SWAT team, than I saw the flashing lights....

Holy Mother of God, I had sped in front of the friggin SWAT team!! And, now, they were pulling me over in their "bus", which I would learn was actually one of their mobile command centers.

At first, I was like WTF?! Can the SWAT team even pull someone over?! But then I thought to myself: hello, cops with big guns who usually kill people, pull the hell over!!

As I pulled over to the side of the road, I seriously didnt even know what to say, and my mind went blank. It was totally surreal. I watched in terror as an officer emerged from the bus wearing body armor, and came up to rap on my window.

"Do you know how fast you were going?", he asked, looking tired as hell.

"Ummmm, no. I sped up to pass you. I wouldve slowed down as soon as I was clear of you.", I said nervously.

"You were going like 50", he said with a slight sigh. "Can I see your license and registration?"

And heres the part where I kinda floated out of my body, and watched this happen from up above....

"Really? Youre gonna give me a ticket or something? Cmon, I was just trying to get around you, I didnt know it was the SWAT team..", I said incredulously.

The officer looked surprised, and didnt say anything.

"I mean, dont YOU hate getting stuck behind the damned bus?! It always happens when you just want to get home, or are trying to get somewhere on time.", I blurted out.

The officer sighed again, and seemed to consider what I had just said. I was sure I was toast at this point, and couldnt even believe I had had the audacity to say this in the first place. But, then something unexpected happened....

"Youve got a point there.", he said. "Just keep it within the legal limits, ok?", he said as he turned and walked back to his mobile command center.

See, its NOT just me!! No one likes getting stuck behind that DAMNED bus!! I guess fate isnt the big of a son of a bitch after all. Or maybe he is, and thats what the officer was afraid of.

I managed to arrive only 5 minutes late, but somehow, this time, I didnt really get all bent out of shape about it.

Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am!

So this weekend was lots of fun. I got to spend the whole weekend with Daisy catching up and chatting on the couch. Of course, we didnt spend the whole weekend on the couch drinking wine, we also ventured out into town to do a little shopping for the big event of the weekend, Adam's party.

Friday evening was pretty mellow and we did infact, spend the entire night on the couch, catching up and drinking Pinot Noir.... But, Saturday was a busy day of shopping, mani/pedis, and fun. By noon, we had both found the perfect outfit for the party, however Daisy decided she needed a little something extra to complete the look, and after trying the outfit on at home, I agreed with her. With that decided, we set out once again to the local shopping establishment in search of that perfect accessory.

After battling the usual weekend traffic and crowds, and shopping for another hour and a half, we still werent able to find that coveted missing piece to Daisy's puzzle. Defeated, we made our way out of the shopping center, and back to the car. As we strolled past chic little boutiques and swanky salons, something caught our eye. It was one of those glossy posters for a tanning salon with a beautifully bronzed couple on it, smiling and laughing as they strolled off into the sunset together on the shore of somewhere more tropical than Southern California. It then occurred to Daisy that perhaps a nice bronzed tan just might be more perfect than that gold piece of bling we had envisioned but were still not able to find yet. "Yes! A tan it is!", Daisy exclaimed, so in we walked.

Inside the salon were greeted by a nice young lady who looked as if she were the spawn of George Hamilton and an Oompa Loompa. Its funny, because I didnt know it was considered a desirable quality to look like you just had a terrible accident involving a large bag of Cheetos and a gallon jug of bleach, but it must be because they allowed this "It" Girl wannabe to work in their salon. Personally, I thought this to be a mistake myself, because it just did not give off a favorable impression of the salon and its services. Outside they advertised beautiful people with beautiful bronze tans, but inside, you were greeted by a younger version of Magda, from Theres Something About Mary, and well... right click the link and open it in a new window to look for yourself. Yeah, thats what I thought too, it leaves you feeling hornswagled, doesnt it?!

As you can guess, I opted not to explore the world of Mystic Tanning, and quietly questioned Daisy if she really thought this was a good idea. Of course, she made a good point that little Magda probably tanned every single day, and this was going to be a one time thing to just give her a little bit of a glow. After talking for a few minutes to a rather handsome and goldenly bronzed gentleman, Daisy was sold. She decided she would go with the airbrush tan, and that was much better than Mystic Tanning "Mr Golden Tan" himself had told her, because it was applied by a salon professional and would be much more even and natural looking. Well, it certainly better be for $50 I thought to myself!

The procedure took about half an hour, so I decided to go run a quick errand. When I came back, Daisy was waiting for me at the front of the salon, but much to my surprise, she didnt look any different. When I asked her why she wasnt golden brown and looking as if shed spent a week in the Caribbean, she explained that "Mr Golden Tan" had told her it would take the tanner a few hours to develop, so she shouldnt worry. "Yeah, I was worried at first too, but he assured me by the time we get to the party I will be all glowing and beachy looking", she said. Satisfied that we had accomplished all the pre-party prep necessary for the evenings festivities, we grabbed lunch at Panera, and headed back home.

After lunch, we both took a quick nap. Feeling refreshed and exhilarated for the nights events, we began to get ready. Of course, I had to go in and check with Daisy to see if my outfit still looked as good as it did earlier at the store (its a girl thing), and was startled as I made my way to her room when I heard her scream a large string of obscenities. Worried something bad had just happened, I ran into the room.

"Whats the matter?!!", I asked a little bit scared of the answer.

"That piece of SHIT BASTARD!!", she screamed from the bathroom.

Still confused, I waited outside the door, a little nervous about what could cause a ridiculously grounded and normally cool as cucumber Daisy to curse like that.

"They totally ripped me off, Beth!!", she yelled.

"What, who?!", I asked, getting annoyed that I still didnt know what was going on.

"Mr Golden Tan, thats who!", she said sarcastically, finally opening the bathroom door.

At first, I expected her to come out looking like a Cheeto, just like little Magda at the salon, but to my astonishment, she was the same exact color as she had been when we walked into the salon.

"Well, you look a little darker, maybe it still needs a little more time before it develops", I offered hopefully, as all good BFF's do.

"It better!", she snapped, clearly not buying my little optimistic ray of sunshine.

As we finished getting ready to go to for our fabulous night out, we didnt really talk much. Daisy was still pissed at the tanning salon, and I knew better than to try to cheer her up with cheesy but well intended chiches.

"Well, we are going to have a great night!", she exclaimed as we stepped out the front door and headed toward the waiting taxi. "Yes we are!", I said in agreement, excited for a real night on the town with my BFF and a whole mess of other adults. The tan, or lack thereof, did not come up again, as we made our way downtown, dancing and singing at the top of our lungs as we sped down the highway.

Dinner was a blast, and we were in good spirits as it wrapped up. We made our way to the bathroom, and Daisy laughed at how upset she had been, only a few short hours ago. Coming out of the stall, I laughed and told her to look in the mirror- her tan had appeared!! Jubilantly, we hugged and giggled like tipsy girls do, and went outside to go catch a taxi to take us to the party. The night had gone from good to great, and we were excited to see where else it went from there.

Once inside the cab, Daisy made a confession. "Ok, so dont be mad at me", she said. Oh CRAP, I thought. This is never a good sentence. You just know that whatever it is prefacing will indeed, make you mad. "..but Annie and I kinda set you up tonight", she finished. A few seconds of silence passed, but I know she could tell from the look on my face that I wasnt thrilled about this. I was instantly sober, and this was not the way I had wanted to spend my girls night out.

"Hes a really nice guy, I swear! And hes wayy cute!! We think you guys will really get along!!", Daisy pleaded. Hesitantly, I said ok, because after all, this was Daisy, and she knows me better than anyone else. If she thinks we would get along well, then she is probably right. I decided to just go with it and see what happened. "Well, we will see I guess!", I said with as much excitement as I could possibly muster given the situation.

Upon arriving at Adam's house, we first stopped to talk to our mutual friend, and thank him for inviting us to the little get together. He gushed about how gorgeous we both looked, and we just smiled and said likewise. Its always nice to hear you look great, but it just seems to mean more coming from a gay man because you know he must mean it. Its not like he wants to have sex with you, ya know?

After saying our hellos, we mingled a bit, before Annie approached us. A fleeting moment of trepidation overtook me as I knew what was coming next. I say fleeting though, because as soon as they introduced me to their friend James, I was no longer worried. James was more than cute, he was pretty damn hot. Plus, his first name was pretty cool to, seeing as it is my last name. This isnt going to be so bad after all I thought to myself, and I smiled one of those "thank you!!" smiles back at Daisy as she and Annie quickly abandoned ship.

"So, Beth, I hear youre in sales", he began. The conversation flowed easily, but at first I got the inkling that perhaps this handsome and charming man was single for a reason. I couldnt quite pinpoint what it was that raised this red flag in my mind, so I just decided to let it go, and soon we found ourselves laughing and joking around, as if we had known each other forever. As the night wore on, the drinks kept on coming, and I was glad that Daisy and I had opted to take a taxi. We were certainly going to need one to take us home! "You want another?", James asked me. "Sure, Im not driving", I said smiling. I sat and admired him as he disappeared into the other room to get me another drink.

No sooner had he gone out of sight, than Daisy appeared with a wildly inquisitive twinkle in her eyes. "So....?", she asked, clearly as buzzed as me. For a minute we sat and giggled about how well things were going, until a minute turned into five. Suddenly, we realized that it was taking James a really long time to come back with our drinks, so Daisy and I decided in our tipsy laughing frenzy to go find my new pal.

As we staggered through the kitchen, we laughed at one another saying "Youre drunk!", "No, youre drunk!!", and argued like a couple of idiots. Then it happened.... We found James, and suddenly, neither of us were drunk any longer. It was one of those moments they show on sitcoms where the record gets scratched as the music gets cut off, and all of the sudden you snap back to reality. What did we see? C'mon, what do you think?! We happened upon the very hot, charming and interesting guy I had been set up with, making out with some other girl. What an asshole!!

When James saw me, out of the corner of his eye, he abruptly stopped kissing the girl, and said something completely stupid:

"Hey babe, heres your drink!", as if he hadnt just polished the tonsils of some other chick just 2 seconds prior.

"Oh please, dont stop on my account", I said as sarcastically as possible.

"What?", he said, confused.

"Ummm, what are you doing?!!", I snapped, pointing at the girl who his arm was still around.

"What?!", he exclaimed, "I came here to meet you!", he continued with a bewildered look on his face, as if he hadnt quite figured out what was going on.

"And ummm....", he continued, a horrified look crossing his face as if he only now just realizing he was embracing some skanky whore who most certainly was NOT me.

"Thats right, you came here tonight for the sole purpose of meeting me, and then you go and do something stupid like THAT", I snapped, again guesturing to the dirty whore who just ruined my night.

"I didnt mean to!! I came in to get you a drink, and I dont know!...", he continued, but too late, his pleading falling on deaf ears.

Disgusted, I turned and stormed off, Daisy running to catch up to me. "Can you BELIEVE that?!", I vented, still furiously marching ahead toward the front door. In my infuriated state, Daisy's brief pause made me turn and look at her, demanding to know why she wasnt on the bandwagon with me. "I just dont know what to say! Who DOES that?!", she said, looking completely astounded, reaching out to give me a hug.

As we gathered up our things to leave, and say our goodbyes, Annie found us, and tried to smooth things over with me. Were all a little drunk she reasoned, it was an honest mistake. Be that as it may, I said, I simply would not purposely go out with a guy who makes out with other women, any time he drinks. I thanked her for thinking of me, and said goodnight to Adam. I was officially over it!! So we waited for our cab, and dispiritedly climbed in for the long ride home.

The ride home was eerily similar to the time we spent getting ready to go out. Except, this time I was the one who got the shaft, and Daisy certainly knew better than to try to cheer me up with a load of BS cliches. Its nice to have a friend who gets you like that, and doesnt take your silence personally, as if you are mad at them. I dont know what Id do without Daisy!

As we walked into the house, Daisy said "Well Elizabeth, I told you we would have an adventure tonight!". And we both laughed. "As always, you were right", I conceded. It was truly an adventure I thought to myself, as I headed off to my room.

Just as I settled into bed, suddenly very tired, my heart nearly exploded when I heard the scream from the next room....

"OH MY GOD!!! MOTHER F*CKER!!!", Daisy screamed.

I ran into her room, this time not even waiting for an invitation. I was about to ask what, when I saw with my own eyes, and couldnt help myself- I burst out laughing!

"Its NOT funny...", Daisy began to scream, her scream dissolving into laughter by the end of the statement.

There we stood at 430am on Sunday morning, and laughed like two idiots. In my opinion, this fit of laughter was a culmination of all the little mishaps of the day and evening, triggered by this last event that was so funny. We laughed so hard, tears streamed down both our faces...

So what happened to make Daisy scream, and both of us nearly piss our pants? Well, remember the whole tanning incident in the beginning of the story? Well, turns out that not only did it take longer for the airbrushed tan to develop than "Mr. Golden Tan" led us to believe, it also had an unfortunate side effect that he, ahem, *forgot* to mention... the orangish tan rubbed off all over Daisy's new clothes! The new white sweater halter she had bought, and sexy rhinestone studded jeans, were now ruined.

"I cant believe this!!", Daisy said.

"I paid $50 for this damned airbrush tan, and it not only did it not come out beautiful bronze, it stained my new clothes Cheeto orange!!", she fumed.

"And Ill bet that pervert at the salon enjoyed it too!", she continued...

"What do you mean?", I asked.

"Youre naked and the guy sprays you- Mr Golden Tan did it", she said.

"Wow, and he didnt even buy you dinner first!", I quipped.

"I know!!", she said, totally indignant.

So we stood there and laughed about the irony of it all for another minute or two, until exhaustion finally set in, and we said our goodnights. The next morning we slept in pretty late, until 9am. Hey, thats sleeping in for us! As we sat and enjoyed our coffee on the purple couch, we couldnt help but start to mull over the nights experiences and analyze them.

No sooner had we put the whole James issue to bed, and decided it wasnt meant to be, than something completely unexpected happened. My cell phone rang, but I didnt recognize the number. Curious, I listened to the voicemail, only to find out it was James! The asshole actually had the nerve to call and ask me out as if nothing inappropriate had transpired last night.

Moral of the story? Men are pigs!

Just kidding.

Always trust your instincts!!

Your first impression is always right. If the very first thought that enters your mind is "theres something rotten in Denmark here", then you are almost always right about it. Of course, I am not saying never trust anyone, but if something is nagging you in the back of your mind about a person or situation, proceed with caution! Studies have actually shown scientifically that your intuition picks up on things that are very subtle, and about 95% of the time your first intuition or impression of a person are dead on accurate (Dont believe me? Check out Blink by Malcolm Gladwell).

Or, you could always opt to end up stained orange like a Cheeto, or on a date with some guy who makes out with another girl, and then calls the next day wanting to see you again. But personally, I wouldnt recommed it.

Where is the LOVE?

So, I dont know if you noticed, but after re-reading yesterdays post, I think I came off pretty pissed off sounding. This is probably due by and large to the fact that I indeed WAS pretty damn upset about the whole incident. Ok, not probably, it was entirely due to the fact that visions of corporal punishment, danced through my head. But, today, I am happy to report that I am over it. Ok, well, for the most part.

Its just one of those things you come to realize as you get older that you simply cannot stay mad about things that have already happened. Ok, let me take that back- you CAN stay mad about things that have already happened. But, it will make you a bitter, miserable person, and frankly, there are already enough of those in the world today, in my humble opinion.

However, if you grow wise as you grow old, you will come to realize that staying mad at someone for something that has already happened, doesnt do you any good. If anything, remaining mad at a person or situation, long after the fact does nothing but allow that person or circumstance to maintain control over you, long after the transgression is done, and most likely forgotten by the perpetrator.

With that thought in mind, it was still a struggle for me to let go this whole incident. As I sleepwalked through my day, I couldnt help but wonder about how in the hell we got to this place. How did things go from so much love and happiness, to so much sadness and hurt? Where did the love go? And, was it ever really even real in the first place? This is what I mulled over the remainder of the day... Where is the love?

Now, I know most of you are hating me right about now, because that crap-ass song by the Black Eyed Peas of the same title has probably begun to leak into your brains, but all I can say is sorry. After all, "its Christmas time, and were all in misery. Dont be so dramatic!" (give yourself 10 points if you recognized that line!) .

Take a moment to shake it off, and bear with me, I think itll be worth it.

So, I spent most of today torturing myself by reliving the spectacular implosion of my relationship with Mark, desperately in search of some kind of answer. I know, I know! Shame on me. I spent the day breaking one of my cardinal rules of "why ask why?!", but in light of the latest incident, I couldnt help myself. Indulging misery, I couldnt stop asking myself what the hell happened? How was it that at 9:37pm on Sunday, November 14, 2004 we were in Wonderland, but as the minute hand of the clock struck 9:38pm, the looking glass shattered into a million tiny pieces?

How could mere words cause a total disruption in the space time continuum? Especially when his favorite thing to talk about was how he couldnt wait to have kids. He wanted 7, and often tried to convince me this was the perfect number, as he asked what names I liked best.

This was the way our world looked at 9:37pm on November 14, 2004: bright, happy, in love, children....a FUTURE.

I still remember the look he gave me that night, the same look he always gave me, a sparkle of love and wonder glowed in his eyes as he kissed me...

It colored my whole world.

Then I told him the news...

And at 9:38pm November 14, 2004, the sun went black and I stood amid shattered jagged pieces of what once was, listening in utter disbelief as he pleaded with me to have an abortion.

To this day, I still cannot get my mind around this.

To be honest, I think the thing I have wrestled with the most was the fear that perhaps the love I thought we shared never really existed in the first place. Part of me even to this day argues vehemently that YES! It was real... But then part of me is terrified to think that perhaps it never was. "If you love me, you wont do this", he said. If I chose not to do what he said, I was ruining his life, and proved I didnt love him.

I hate that he did that to me. For a long time I carried a heavy burden of guilt on my shoulders, that I never should have taken up in the first place.

It colored my whole world.

I dont remember much from this time really, because self preservation colored all of the memories black. The happiest day of our lives, the birth of our son, merely colored grey... Only a little joy could be felt as I looked into the face of my newborn child, because when I looked down at this tiny person who I loved so very much, I saw the face of the one who hurt me so badly.

It colored my whole world.

Letting go of the sadness and the guilt, took a long, long time. But as Daisy once said, life just keeps going on. Each day you do your best to get through the day, and then you cry at night when you get home. You live in a haze for a while, but each day you cry a little less. Then one day, you suddenly realize you havent cried in a while. At first, the realization will make you want to cry, but the tears wont do more than well up in your eyes. Thats when you know you are almost there. "Everything is ok eventually", she always says.

And of course, she is right. There is beauty in the pain of letting go, it just takes a while for us to see it.

Its funny how you can struggle through something you think might possibly kill you, come out the other side a stronger, happier person, but be plunged back into that same dark, broken place by just one incident. I long ago gave up trying to figure out the "why", but this incident put me back there for a while. Why? And where did the love go?

As the day wound down, so did my mind thankfully, and by 7pm, it no longer filled my consciousness. Luca came home, and we played and laughed, and had a grand ol' time. Then it was time for bed. Usually Luca is pretty good about going to bed with no trouble, but tonight was not one of those nights. So I rocked him to sleep, and just enjoyed the quiet and the warm snuggly little body that clung to me. I sang to him a bit, and he hummed along as he drifted off to sleep.

Looking down at my tiny miracle in the pale glow of the night light, I noticed something for the first time. While Luca looks just like his father, and by most accounts will always be labelled his father's son, I noticed a bit of me in him too, and it was a profound moment. The last 3 years of my life were all colored for better or worse by Luca's father, but as I looked down at my sleeping child, I realized that Luca is colored by ME.

And its not merely the blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair complexion, but other subtle nuances of his character as well... Holding my sleeping child, I could see for the first time that he is a beautiful blend of his father and myself...

The love truly did exist between us... I held it in my arms.

And it has colored my whole world.

...AND IT IS A BIG DEAL!

"Its not that common, it doesnt happen to every guy, and it IS A BIG DEAL!!"

-Rachel Green, FRIENDS

Seriously, all time BEST quote from my favorite TV series of all time... LOL

And, while todays post isnt actually about *THAT*, the above sentiment keeps coming to mind in my current situation. (Sigh)

So what is this current situation you ask? Well, let me tell you! The current situation is a very uncomfortable one for me. I think most people in my place would feel the same way, given that this directly has to do with my child.

So, as you probably know already, Luca and I moved back to the OC, for various reasons, mostly having to do with his father's lack of willingness to help out. Now, read into this what you want, or if you already know..... then you know! But suffice it to say Luca's father often leaves much to be desired in the area of actual fatherhood and its entailing responsibilities. I guess it could be worse, its not like my ex is K-Fed or anything.

Or wait, maybe this isnt such a great example... K-Fed may be a worthless loser, but at least he isnt leaving his kids out in the cold or pawning them off on their grandparents. Although, this could be merely because he bilked himself a good enough chunk of change, so that he wont ever have to work or develop what questionable and marginal talents he may possess.... Who knows what the situation would be like if he wasnt living on what most of us make in a year, each and every month. So, maybe the example stands after all. But I digress...

Anyhow, the piss in my cheerios today has to do with the fact that while Luca's dad is by no means a bad guy, he isnt really the greatest one either. I know he does love our son, but the last 2 1/2 years have revealed quite a number of disturbing things, which pretty much add up to the fact that he does love our son, but not nearly as much as he loves himself.

Late last week, I asked him to make me a copy of the pictures he took of Luca from my sister's wedding. Much to my surprise, I only had to ask him once, and by the weekend, I had a CD full of pictures. As I went through the various files, I was quite pleasantly surprised to see he had also included several different folders of pictures that he had taken over the last month during the days he kept our son. The pictures were mostly of Luca playing hockey, or sitting in the back seat of the truck, or playing at the park, and it was nice to get to see a little snapshot of what life is like with Daddy, when I am not around.

As I opened the last folder, I quickly flipped through the pictures, as most of them were pretty much the same as the previous ones- Luca at the park. But, as I clicked furiously through the shots, one in particular caught my eye. When I saw this particular photo, I felt sick to my stomach, and began examining it to see if it was possible this one slipped into the folder by mistake. Sadly, this was not the case. Not only did the file name show that it was indeed the next picture in that batch of photos (because digital cameras have a really creative way of naming photos with sequential numeric file names), but all of the things present in the background from the previous photos, were present in this photo as well.



My heart sank.



What was this mysterious photo that would make me so upset? Well, let me show you.

Even as I look it now, it upsets me. Why? Well to quote my good friend Lindsay: "Oh, I see he brought his WHORE with him!". (Thinking) Yeah, I think that about sums it up!

Now, I dont care if Luca's dad dates. I am not in love with him anymore, and its been nearly 3 years since we broke up, so I could care less. I also dont care if he screws his way through the phone book. Thats the magic of breaking up, I dont have to care!! I dont care how much weed he smokes. I dont care how much money he wastes on liquor and other crap when hes out with his buddies, as they pretend to be two young "wild and crazy" guys, not a couple of 33 year old men living together in a crappy apartment.

Bottom line, I really dont care what he does in his personal life, as long as he is doing it on his own time. But what I do care about is how he acts when he is watching our son. What upsets me about this photo, is that it was taken while our son was present.

Now, I dont know who this pre-pubescent girl is, but chances are she didnt merely stand there in her little sundress and Jackie O shades, flipping her blonde hair around and posing for Luca's dad. Chances are, she also went over and held my son. She probably tried to played with my son, and tried to show his father what a good mommy she could be. THAT is what bothers me so much- THAT, is the BIG deal. THAT is what makes my blood boil.

And, its not only the fact that this happened that upsets me so much, its the fact that Luca's dad broke the rules- the rules HE demanded we have in place for the well being of our son. He insisted we not introduce ANYONE we see casually to our son. The only time we can introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend to Luca, is if the relationship becomes serious, and marriage becomes a discussed possibility. When this situation arises, Luca's dad made me swear that I would let him know, or vice versa, and then we would get to meet the new serious partner before they get to be introduced to our son.

I whole-heartedly agree with this rule. I dont think its healthy for a young child to see a barrage of people moving in and out of their life. I for one have respected this rule, and have asked Luca's dad if he was also adhering to the rules, because a couple of times his behavior has been a bit questionable. Each time I asked, he got extremely mad and answered "Of course I am! You know how I feel about Luca being introduced to other people". That was his story, and he was sticking to it!

Yet, here it is maybe a month later, and there she is. Walking around in a little dress, parading around in front of our son, most likely hanging all over his father. In living color, proof positive, of yet another lie.

I guess this right here is the real reason my heart sank. While I HATE the thought of this little girl, trying to play mommy to my son, my heart sinks to think I cannot trust his father. Time and time again he has lied, about all sorts of stupid little things that were easily found out, but this time, the lie was considerably bigger. This wasnt a load of laundry, this was some girl- how did that go in Tommy Boy? "Some WHORE walking around with her booty shake"? What did my 2 year old son think watching some strange girl parading around in front of him, hanging all over his father, and most likely picking him up and trying to play with him??! This was the very situation his father created this rule to prevent, yet he is the one who brought it to fruition.

I shouldnt be at all surprised, yet I am.

So, what did I do you ask? What do you think I did?! I called him immediately and demanded explanation, right before I ripped him a new asshole!

Psssshhhhhh!!! Hardly!

Obviously, lying is not a problem for Luca's father, which you might think poses a problem for my quest to uncover the truth, but let me tell you why it really doesnt. Luca's dad may be a big F*CKING liar, but he HATES confrontation. The easiest way to tell if he is lying or not, is to see if his lips are moving.... Oh wait, my bad, thats lawyers I am thinking of. The easiest way to see if he is lying, is to confront him in person. Sure, hes usually just as lame on the phone, and you can tell by the hesitation in his voice that something is rotten in Denmark, but in person its like you hit him in the face with a rubber chicken. He doesnt expect it, and really, who does? Who uses rubber chickens anymore?! That is so Fozzy Bear....

I wanted the truth, so I didnt call him on the phone and confront him, I waited. I waited until yesterday, when I had an excuse to see him at work. Work seems to be a particularly good place to do something like this, because not only is he not expecting it there, he also usually has a few workers around, so he cant make a huge scene like he usually does when he lies. Ever notice that? People who have been caught, but dont want to come clean tend to make a huge spectacle with their behavior as a way to try to turn things around and take the focus off the matter at hand?

Anyhow, I came up with an excuse to see him at his shop. (And, just as a sidebar, this is a metal shop, as in welding, and painting, grimy and dirty. Im not going into a retail establishment and calling him out here) Just as I expected, he was hard at work, and didnt even notice I was there at first. Once I caught his eye, we began to talk as he went to get what I had come for that day. As he was walking out to my car to put the item I came for into my trunk, because despite all his tragic personality flaws, he is a very polite and chivalrous man, I casually praised him for his excellent photography skills.

"Oh, you liked the pictures? I thought you would, and thats why I included the extra ones for you too.", he said. He stood there smiling at me, waiting for a pat on the head or a treat for doing something good, and I smiled back at him. I think this was my favorite moment of the whole ordeal right here, take a moment to savor it with me, will you?

As I stood there smiling at him, looking into his eyes, I am sure he took this smile for my approval of his actions, and for a brief moment reveled in the gold star he thought he had afforded himself. Little did he know that my warm smile was because my blood was still boiling, and I knew I was merely seconds away from lowering the hammer on his unsuspecting head.

"Well, I especially liked the picture of that blonde chick in the park with Luca", I said calmly, never breaking eye contact, or letting my smile fade.

"What blonde chick?", he asked, looking sincerely confused.

"The one, in the park, with you and Luca", I continued, still smiling...

"Who?! Is it Carrie?" (one of his friend's wives), he questioned, clearly searching the recesses of his brain for what picture I was speaking about.

"No, I know Carrie, and it is DEFINITELY not her...", sarcasm undoubtedly dripping from my lips like venom.

"Then I dont know!", he declared, as if he clearly was at a loss.

Now, at this point, I thought this was going to be the end of things. He doesnt know who I mean, or at least, he has finally mastered the art of playing stupid. I was disappointed. I thought for sure his brain fart had squashed my chances of finding out what was going on, but, then something completely unexpected occurred!! Clearly tormented that he didnt know who I was talking about, the idiot suddenly noticed the big red X on the ground, and walked over to examine it...just like Wiley Coyote...

I stood there, mouth gaping as I watched him walk back into his office. He then proceeded to ask me what the date on the folder was, and then, he opened it and began scrolling through the pictures. Whatever possessed him, I dont know, but I do know when he came upon the above photo, a look came over his face as if he had just shit himself!

WHAM!!!! Down came the hammer! LOL

It was PRICELESS! (Savor it with me, savor it!!) I dont know, this may have been my favorite moment of the entire ordeal... God's little gift to me!!

"Oh...", he gasped guiltily, before delivering yet another of his signature stupidest-comment-possible statements:

"Its not a big deal Beth!", he snapped defensively.

Not a big deal? Is he serious?! When I asked who she was, my heart sank even more.

"That was just a date, ok. Just some girl I went out with a time or two... Look, its NOT A BIG DEAL", he insisted while looking down, most likely in fear of the fire in my eye, or the right hook that might catch his if he dared to look up.

I went on to remind him about the rules we have in place; the rules he himself had insisted we needed to have in place, to dictate how we are to act around our son, and how we are to proceed in this same situation. And, I went on to explain to him how this was in fact, a very BIG deal.

The fact that Holly Hoebag was "just some girl" he went out with a time or two made it a lot worse than if this had been a serious relationship he was having. He let "just some girl" meet our son. He had the flipping nerve to have a **DATE** with our son there, and a date with"just some girl" to boot. I was furious, and I know he could tell.

Youd think at this point is where I got down to ripping him a new asshole, but youd be wrong. I was surprisingly calm about the whole thing, now that the truth had been exposed. I did not however let him off the hook on this matter. I reiterated to him, that I dont care what the hell he does in his personal life on his OWN time, but when he has our son, this is not acceptable.

You would also think that at this point, after having being caught by his own stupidity, Luca's dad wouldve sacked up and been a man about this whole thing, but youd again be wrong. But, seeing as most of you know Luca's dad, I doubt any of you expected anything less, and are just waiting to see how he can possibly make things worse now that the truth is out.

What did he do? Of course- he defended his actions. It wasnt his fault.... because nothing ever truly is- but this is another blog altogether... It wasnt his fault you see.... Holly Hoebag called him that day and said she just happened to be driving through his neck of the OC, and wanted to know if she could see him for a while. He told her he was at the park, and she just showed up! There was nothing he couldve done. I know, right? Ill give you a moment to laugh at the logic there....

She called him, and asked if she could see him, but there was nothing he couldve done to prevent this random and unplanned casual visit on a Sunday afternoon. I know this is rudimentary folks, but when dealing with morons, well.... When I asked why he didnt just tell her "no" when she asked if she could see him, he didnt have an answer. "She was just driving by, there were no plans". Yeah, because her outfit screams "just passing through, casually", doesnt it?

So, how did it end? I merely stretched his existing asshole instead of ripping him a new one. I was gentle. Oh look, Im growing as a person. Or maybe its just because I was wearing silk that day and you have to get that shit dry-cleaned, who knows.... Regardless, I let him know he messed up big time, and he promised it wouldnt happen again.

I dont know about you, but I feel better. Because as we all know from Captain Jack Sparrow, you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest.

Well, praise the Lord, hes not one of those "honest" types- you never know what they are going to do.