Across the Universe

Sadly, I am uninspired... and I feel utterly lost.

There are several deep questions I am mulling over at the moment, and have been sitting here trying to write, but for some reason the words will not flow...

Why is it that at the time when writing these swirling thoughts down in some type of medium would help me the most, I cannot seem to find the words? I could easily have the conversation with any of you at this very moment, should we happen to speak, but as I try to convey these thoughts into sentences....I cant....

I know, I am as shocked as you are...Beth is unable to grace us all with her opinions and granules of wisdom...write the date down...

And, whats even worse, not only can I not seem to put into words these thoughts, I also cannot stop from having the conversations about these things, with myself....inside my own head....

I am exhausted, but I cannot make myself go to bed. All I want to do is sleep, but my mind will not shut down. It continues to ask the same questions over and over, desperately grasping for some semblance of order and clarity...

Why keep picking from the pile?
Why ask why?!
Why NOT?!
Why did everyone on the SS Minnow pack so much crap for a 3 hour cruise?!

All fabulous questions, to which I have equally well-thought-out, compelling arguments for...but for some reason a complete and utter inability to express said well-thought-out, compelling answers, in a clear, concise manner...

While you look at the above questions and chuckle to yourself wondering what the hell kind of questions those are, and what quirky answers I will come up with to try to be clever, these are serious questions. And while they also seem completely random, they are in fact all different components of the same stream of conscious thought. Seriously, these are real and big questions and not whimsical or non-sensical ravings of a lunatic (or exhausted, you be the judge) mind...

Perhaps tomorrow I will have the ability to convey the answer to these burning questions....tonight I can only sit and feel helplessly tormented by the melancholy veil cast over my heart at the moment...

I can only sit and cry and wish I could put into words the colors and sounds and feelings that are trapped inside my chest, welling up and threatening to drown me....

Some people paint, some people sculpt, some people make music to express the things inside of them...I write...but I cant at the moment...and it makes me desperately sad....

I guess its a good thing it is raining right now, then no one can see that I am crying, because that is an expression of weakness, and I am always the one who is able to remain strong.

Crying is a healthy expression of vulnerability and humanity- I fully support you in it..... I however....I choose not to indulge in it because I am able to accept that life just sucks sometimes and I am good at handling adversity... I do not crack under pressure, but thrive under it.
Adapt and overcome.

Climb out of the pile, because whining is a waste of energy.

Wasting energy is not efficient.

Inefficient tactics are not a logical solution to any problem.

I am strong.

I always have been.

And not because I necessarily want to (or have wanted to), for reasons of pride or self-importance, but because perhaps I have lived my whole life not knowing any other way to be.

Falling apart has never been an option or luxury afforded to me.

Bold statements?

Truth.

Truth?

Perhaps weakness is just a luxury I have never afforded myself...

Sadly, all I can do tonight is cry and watch the colors, shapes, and melodies dance around my room, taunting me to reach out and take hold of them before they slip and slither away across the universe...

My paint brush does not work...my paints are all dry...

My clay has hardened...

My guitar has no strings...

Perhaps I really am drowning, and these tears are just the overflow escaping out of the windows to my soul...

Personally, I dont want to get up to look and check, so I think I the best thing for me to do is just turn the computer off and try to get in my 3 hours of sleep for today...