The Candy Man can
Thats right folks, he's baaaack!!
How stoked are you?!
I for one am very pleased! No, for real! I really am glad to hear from him...
Most of the time, when you tell someone you dont ever want to talk to/see them again for the rest of your life, they tend to shy away from further interaction with you. In a lot of cases, the disposed individual strives to avoid you in social scenarios or even the mention of you in conversation because, as the "dumpee", its an uncomfortable situation to be in. There is then of course the other extreme, which is the bitter "dumpee". This is the person who was dumped but cannot seem to shut up about how glad they are that they got kicked to the curb. They protest loudly, and often, and to anyone who is willing to listen or merely within earshot. As with all those who protest too loudly, well, you know...
But The Candy Man is different- his Modus Operandi doesnt fit neatly into either of the above mentioned categories, and thus makes him an intriguing specimen to observe. Of course, I recommend that observation be carried out only from behind the dark side of a one way mirror, so that he cannot actually see who it is that is dissecting the minute aspects of his mania.
This is merely to avoid the possibility of him striking out at you, or even worse, deciding he is interested in you. The latter scenario is the worst of all possible outcomes, as you will most likely never be rid of him without having him disassembled at the cellular level. Since this is a very costly and for all intense purposes, illegal feat, The Candy Man is still alive and well, roaming the streets demoralizing young girls nationwide.
Much like a boil on the butt of society, The Candy Man is a literal pain in the ass. You may not always see him, but damnit can you feel the lingering twinge of his presence, always lurking in the shadows, threatening to flare up at any time. This is why I should not have been surprised at all to receive an email from him today, however, after our last communication, I thought he might have actually gotten the point. I guess I just assumed, and you know what happens when you assume...
As the only known survivor of (a relationship with) The Candy Man, I am the reigning authority on the subject. Admit it, youre jealous! (wink, wink). Well, dont be, its kinda like winning The Bachelor... In the end you beat out everyone else for a phony relationship with someone you dont really like in the first place. Whats the point?! Unless there is cash involved, then its totally not like that. Id take winning The Bachelor any day over the 3 years I wasted on The Candy Man...
But I digress...
As the ultimate authority on The Candy Man, I should not have been surprised to see an email from him, a mere 6 months after I told him to kiss his own ass. When I broke off all communication with him for good in the very beginning of 2004, he did the exact same thing. Ok, lets be fair, in 2004 he started calling me 2 weeks after I had told him to drop dead, so he has shown improvement. But, seeing as the last time we started talking (6 months ago) he asked me for naked pictures (after we mended fences), and then proceeded to act shocked, offended, and "unbelieveably hurt" that I thought thats what he was insinuating by saying he knows I am indeed a NATURAL blonde, I knew better this time.
The email title was "Im ready...", and this time instead of even considering for a moment old times and opening the email, I laughed heartily as my fingers slammed down on the enter key in affirmation to delete his message without opening it. While the possibilities are endless as to what he is actually ready to do, I have lost all interest, and dont think its possible for me to care any less at this point.
So, I know you are all a little confused now because at the beginning of the post I said I was excited to hear from him, but just now I said I deleted it and didnt care what it said... contradictory, I know. But, let me tell you why its not! While I dont really give a shit what The Candy Man has to say, I am happy that his ego knows no bounds, and convinced him it would be a good idea to email me...
WHY?!
Because now I get to post that incredibly ridiculous picture of him, and we can all laugh at it again together!
Now, I dont know about you, but that shits funny! Especially considering the fact that he told me this was one of his headshots he had done and submitted to a modeling agency.
Classic.
1 comment:
hahahah! you crack me up. and that picture is HORRIBLE!
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