Carousel

Its funny how a lot of the time, if you ask me what I miss about my "old" life, I will say its having my time to myself. That is one of the things I always proclaim to love best about my gym time, is that it is the one part of my day where I do not have to answer to anyone, cater to anyone, or kiss anyone's ass, but in truth I never spend this time mindless meditating.



My mind is always whirling with the ins and outs of my life- what I have done, what I need to do, what I want to do... and of course what I have done and still need to do in order to be able to do what I want to do.

When I am not thinking about the neverending barrage of tasks and checklists that my life consists of, I am processing everything else. All of the news of the day, both politically and personally, seem to seep into my consciousness.

Why the hell is everyone working themselves into such a tizzy over the damned democratic primary? Only one will remain standing at the end, so why waste all this energy on the "what if's" and "maybes" of each hypothetical scenario, and tear each other down in the melee?

Personally I think it is a paramount waste of time and proves that our society is addicted to drama and loves to blow things completely out of proportion. Frankly even the mention of this into the stream of my conscious thought is a waste of time and energy, and Im over it. But really it just proves my point that eventhough I dont care about it, I am annoyed enough to be at least momentarily invested, enough so that it leaks into my brain as I run down the list of things that currently annoy me, and feel the need to at least expend the energy to type it.

But as I move out of the realm of things that I dont care to invest any more in, I think of the things of a personal nature that tend to fill my mind as I am blissfully drifting off into my responsibility-free meditation time.

These are the things that make me smile to think about- things like Lindsay's new home and new job... Annette's new home, and the fact that they are having another baby, especially after how hard it was to get there the first time... Sarah finally moving to Colorado and rekindling a lost connection that meant so much... Amy doing so well at work and all the other areas of her life beginning to come together in amazing ways... Hearing Julie so happy that I can see her beaming smile through the phone... Having Matt back after such a long time...

All these things make me truly happy. I feel blessed to see these things happening for those I love, I tell myself that means things are going to happen for me soon. I believe good things are going to happen for me soon. I cling to the promise that good things are coming, but lately I am having a hard time feeling it anymore.

It occurred to me Monday that I am genuinely and sincerely happy for the things happening for those I love, and I am not jealous of them, but I am starting to tire of being happy for everyone else.

I want my ray of sunshine.

I want my break in the clouds- my rainbow.

I want the dove to actually land on my deck, instead of merely circling my ark holding the olive branch with the deceptive promise of landing.

I feel as though the world is running around me in color, and I am trapped in slow motion, and black and white.

I feel sad.

But then the phone rings and brings unexpected news from an old friend, and suddenly all of the clouds lift and I am pulled away from all that was weighing me down. I am happy once again...

How can you not be happy when one of your best friends has great news?