Well guess what?
Youre wrong.
The category of tonight's post (as they are categorized on myspace where this blog originally started) is "Romance and Relationships", and Mr. Soggy Bottoms is a guy Ive gone out with recently. That being said, this should entice you to read on, because knowing how my life goes, it very possibly could be about my latest dating exploit and poo...
Ewwww.
No, theres no poop involved (sorry Taylor), but it does raise an important question, which I will get to shortly.
The last few weeks I have been keeping company of a new guy. I know most of you are scratching your heads because I havent mentioned it, or because you havent heard from me in so long you were beginning to consider the possibility that I have in fact died- but the truth is I have just been so busy with the new job and stuff that I have been a crappy friend lately.
Sorry.
Is it just me, or has anyone noticed lately that every person you know who isnt already married is getting hitched? Daisy and I were talking about that yesterday because yet another singleton weve known for a while just got married. And, the interesting trend that we have noticed is that all of people seem to have met their significant other at the newest singles hot spot, Starbucks.
With this is mind, I have made a point to make sure that I have already applied my lipstick before entering the Mecca of caffeinated goodness, just in case... Am I looking to get married tomorrow? Nahhhh.... But, I wouldnt be opposed to meeting someone fantastic who makes me happy enough to make others sick.
Anyhow, a few weeks ago I stopped into my friendly local Starbucks to grab a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich and a coffee light frap with sugar free vanilla to reward myself for making it to Friday, and something happened. Maybe it was because I had just heard from one incredibly happy Starbucks-matched-married, or perhaps it was merely because no one had emailed me yet that morning, but for once, in the midst of my usual morning quest to caffeinate and get to work on time, I noticed someone noticing me. Standing a mere 5 feet away from me I noticed a nice looking guy, smiling at me, Blackberry in hand.
"I cant decide which is more addicting, Starbucks, or the CrackBerry", he said to me.
"Crackberry", I answered immediately.
A pleasant little conversation was had, business cards were exchanged, and the following Monday a casual after work drink was organized.
And, while Im making little observations, Ive noticed that the casual after work drink seems to be the new first date. Or, perhaps, its just the way grown ups do things. Good God, am I a grown up now?!
Anyhow, the after work drink is a nice idea because it can be anything you want. You have an easy out, such as "this was fun, but now Ive got to pick up my kid", or it can turn into dinner and other merriment. On this specific occasion, I did have to in fact, pick Luca up, so it was only a casual after work drink, and I was so strapped for time I didnt even bother to change into jeans in the back of the Jeep like I did the last time I had one of these. I simply met him at Happy Hour and we talked and had a few drinks one evening.
The conversation was fun, and flowed easily, and as he walked me out to my car, he asked the all important question of "Can I see you again?". Seeing as I had a pleasant time, and he seemed to be nice, successful, and not in the least bit creepy, I said ok. Throughout the week, my Starbucks date called me a few times, and we made plans to go out on an actual date later that week.
The first date was actually a lot of fun. We met for coffee and ended up sitting all night there debating when exactly Pearl Jam stopped being a great band, and a lot of other really important issues of the like. With this smashing success of an evening wrapping up, I happily accepted the offer of a "real" date that weekend.
As the weekend approached, I was actually a bit excited to have real plans to go out on a date. I met my new friend down in Laguna near the beach, and we had dinner at a little Italian restaurant. And, he brought me a rose! Kinda cheesy, but clearly he had put at least 15 minutes of thought into this before hastily leaving the house that night, and I appreciated the effort.
The food was great, and so was the wine. The conversation was fun and light, and the evening ended with the much cliched walk on the beach. Being that this was our second "real" date, and given the fact that we were walking and talking on the beach after consuming Italian food and wine, there was kissing. It should have been a perfect evening...
I say "should" however because the kissing left a little to be desired...
At the time I chalked it up to a combination of my being cold, the wine, and nerves on his part. I swear it mustve taken 20 minutes of awkwardness before I finally asked him if he was planning on ever going in for the kiss or if we would have to stand out in the sand until the break of dawn. I guess I couldve just done it myself, but really thats his job. Or maybe more truthfully I just enjoy watching guys flounder. Hahahahaha! Yeah, ok, Im not gonna lie- thats it.
What can I say?! (shrugging shoulders, smirking)
Soon after the soggy lip-lock session ended, we went out separate ways. As I got into my car, I cursed the fact that the bottom of my jeans had gotten wet because it was making me so much more cold. This of course led me to think of "Soggy Bottoms", and then instantly laugh out loud to myself as I applied this term to the slightly bumbling end of my night. "Mr. Soggy Bottoms is right", I thought to myself as I recalled how sloppy and literally soggy the kissing had been. At least it was a nice night, I thought surely the next time it would be better.
The next day I got a phone call from an excited Mr. Soggy Bottoms, who obviously thought the date and its ending went smashingly. I didnt take the call simply because I was too busy tending to Luca and visiting with my recently widowed Grandma to take any time out and chit chat. I will just give him a call back Sunday night, I thought to myself.
Monday morning came, and my life proceeded as usual, or so I thought. As I waited inwardly inpatient and half asleep for the barista to make my coffee, I had little else on my mind besides getting my frosty caffeinated salvation into my system, and my ass into work. Lost in thought, I went through my mental checklist of what I needed to do when I got in, but was suddenly jolted back to reality by a rude intrusion. No, this intrusion was not the deep gruff bark of the manly lesbian barista letting me know my coffee light frap was ready, it was a hug!
It took me a few seconds to put together what had just gone down, but when I realized it was my match made in Starbucks Heaven, I was actually pretty annoyed. It was early, I hadnt had my coffee yet, and we are not engaged buddy! It struck me as odd that Mr. Soggy Bottoms did not seem to detect in the slightest the fact that I wasnt right there with him on this early morning love fest. He merely stood there with his arm around me, smiling, and then said:
"Why didnt you call me back this weekend?"
"Sorry", I told him, and then went on to explain I had been busy, and Sunday was a holiday (Easter)...
Two minutes later, my coffee was ready, and I was out the door and on my way.
After what seemed like a weeks, it was finally lunch time, and I had all but forgotten the weirdness earlier that morning at Starbucks. As I went to meet my sister for lunch at Corner Bakery, I read my email (courtesy of my Crackberry) and felt little hesitation as I accepted a dinner invite from Mr. Soggy Bottoms for the next night. I guess I reasoned that so far it had been amusing, so going out with him again would at least be more fun than spending my night off(from Luca and ultimate responsibility) sitting at home.
Tuesday was excruciatingly horrid all the way around, and I was more than ready for a drink by noon, errrr, end of business! Thankfully it was indeed my night off, and I was able to blow off some steam with my favorite boyfriend GYM, before getting ready to go out with Mr. Soggy Bottoms. I realized as I ran that I really should probably stop calling him "Mr. Soggy Bottoms" in my internal monologue, but conceded it was quite enjoyable, and knowing me, I wouldnt give it up. Besides, I couldnt get the thought of soggy jeans and soggy sloppy kisses out of my mind...
Hmmmm....
Heres hoping to a less soggy evening I thought!
This time we went to dinner at a nice trendy restaurant, and had a really fun time. All of my previous reservations had dissipated as I thought to myself how silly I felt for almost convincing myself to write this guy off. Not only is he a gentleman and easy on the eyes, but hes funny, and thats devastatingly attractive to me. Thank God hes not the creative type (or artist of any kind)- thats my kryptonite!! This is a good thing, I said to myself. As we walked out to my car, I was excited, convinced that this time things would be different, and I could banish the Mr. Soggy Bottoms moniker.
(Deep sigh)
(shaking head)
While I had convinced myself I would be having that wonderful, playful, passionate goodnight kiss I had been anticipating, I was instead assaulted once again by a soggy, sloppy, very unsexy calamity, parading (and poorly might I add) as a kiss. I actually just shuddered recounting the experience for you all!
It was TERRIBLE!! Like something from the sea washed up on his face and was attacking me! Just really NOT GOOD!
Devastated as I drove home, I began to ponder if it could really work out. I mean, how can you seriously date someone you dread kissing? I was completely bummed out because I had just convinced myself that I actually did like this guy. But now.... (shuddering)
The next morning I purposely went to a different Starbucks. Monday's experience, coupled with the quandary the previous nights ending had incited, I decided it was better to not deal with any more sneak affection attacks. After all, last time it was a hug, this time he might try to kiss me, and I dont know that I could take it. Even the frosty delectable coffee vanilla goodness might not be able to wash away the sandy, salty, mushy carnage such an event could inflict upon my day, and ultimately my senses. Thankfully I got out of the strange Starbucks without incident, my CFL 2PSFV in hand.
As I made my way to the office, I dialed Daisy. I definitely needed her input on this situation to see if perhaps I was being petty. I didnt think so, but sometimes you dont know because you are in the midst of the situation, and hey, thats what best friends are for!
"Good morning Elizabeth!!", she said cheerfully in a silly voice.
Instantly she could tell I was not in the best of spirits.
"Uh oh, whats the matter?!", she said, chuckling, as if she knew it was going to be something of a humorous nature.
Exasperated, I explained the entire situation to her, and waited for her to process the information.
"DUMP HIM", she said almost instantly.
"Dump him?", I asked?
"Its not like hes my boyfriend or anything", I continued, still taken a back a bit by how abrupt her verdict seemed to be.
"Good, then its going to be easy", she said matter of factly. "Life is too short Elizabeth. Youd tell me the same".
"Maybe..", I started.
"Of course you would. Remember Danny?", she retorted.
"But that was different", I started to say... ready to defend myself because just for the record, that was a really different situation...
"Not really, but fine. I have two words for you: SAM ADAMS", she said bluntly.
"Oh, now why do you have to go and bring HIM up?!", I whined, suddenly very irked by the mention of that fiasco.
"Because, you know this is just like THAT- so end it before it gets to that point", she said.
"I guess you really cant find happiness at Starbucks", I said dejected.
"Sure you can, its called a tall coffee light frappuccino. They only have 90 calories!", Daisy exclaimed triumphantly.
Of course she is right, but as I already said, thats what your best friend is there for- to hit you upside the head every now and then.
Tonight when he called, I knew Daisy was right, so I let him know that he is very nice, but I am getting back with my ex, and for the sake of our son, I wanted to give it a try. Of course he understood, because after all he is a nice guy.
Do I feel bad? Nope. I am liberated! I can go back to my normal Starbucks without fear of being hit in the face with a fish.
Life is good.
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