Oh how different life has been since this day last year!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Stupid Boy
Current mood: Peaceful
Category: Romance and Relationships
Last week in my small group we talked about the dangers of being a "people pleaser". Now, at first I did not even consider this lesson to be one for myself- I mean, not everything is about ME. I think most of you who really know me well would agree with me on this one... Anyone who has spent time with me knows that for the most part I do my own thing, whether or not its considered the cool thing to do or not.
I mean, lets face it, I dont really give a damn what most people think about me, because, well, at the end of the day it doesnt matter to me that the snooty real housewife of the OC at Starbucks was laughing to her friends that my Chanel sunglasses are "so last season!" ... I will probably never see her again, and if I did, I certainly wont recognize her with her new nose, boobs, and botoxed face anyhow, so what do I care?! I just dont.... Me? A People pleaser? I think not!!
As the rest of the week commenced, I thought a lot about the girls and how their weeks were going also. Thank God I am not struggling with being a people pleaser, I thought. It must be so exhausting!! I mean, I barely have time enough to remember to eat, let alone think about making anyone else happy (other than Luca that is, that is all I do you know).... Then something happened mid-week, something BIG that made me realize I too fall victim to trying to please everyone!
What catastrophic event could have happened to throw my world into utter chaos, and disrupt the space-time continuum as I know it?? (Sigh) What could possibly happen that could be so earth shattering?
Well, Ill tell you....prepare to be shocked, horrified, pissed off, but still laughing at the same time. I think thats how it went for me...ummmmm, yeah, shocked, horrified, pissed off, and then eventual uncontrollable laughter...
Last week, Mark told me I had to marry him so that he can stay in the country.
I KNOW!! Ill give you a moment....
Apparently, when he went down to TJ to do his annual paperwork for his visa (its complicated, and not very interesting, dont ask), they told him this is the last year they would grant it. What that means, is that come April 2008, the US government will make the incorrigible Mr. Gerardi pack his shit and go back to Toronto, from whence he came!!
The only loop hole, at least according to him, is for him to get married. Again, this is a very complicated procedure, which I have myself researched and know to be true for the most part, but its boring, so suffice it to say, marriage is the easiest route to get a Canuck into the states for good. There is another way for him to apply for a green card, but as with most things, this method takes time, money, and commitment on Mark's part, so obviously, thats not something he considers an option.
Now, my immediate reaction was a "youve got to be shitting me" look, followed by a stunned "Really?!", as in, "really, youre seriously asking me this?!". Unblinking, he said "Yes!! Beth youre the only one who can help me, the only one I trust!!". Yes, the only one he trusts. Ill give you a short laughter break, and anyone whos close to pissing their pants, might as well go now, because it gets better....
So the night ended with me not able to say much, and Mark telling me to think about it. Graciously, God allowed me to get through the brief, yet akward conversation without bursting into laughter while tears streamed down my face, and, also without punching him in the face with the nearest heavy blunt object as my gut told me too. Wow, look at that, I am growing as a person!
Luckily he didnt bring IT up again until last night.... This time, I couldnt help it, and did burst out laughing (so much for growing as a person). Then I proceeded to point out that its a friggin riot that he can sit there and look me in the eye with a straight face and tell me how I had to do this for him because there isnt another woman alive that he cares about, or trusts like me. He actually said those words!! Who IS this guy?!
This from the man who last month was whining that he wanted a paternity test because he still isnt convinced that Luca actually is his son. (Of course when I said ok, it was suddenly too expensive to do)....
This from the man who badgered me my entire pregnancy to just admit that I did this on purpose to trap him into marriage or becoming my meal ticket. ...
This from the man who constantly accused me of trying to ruin his life.... (even to this day)
And these words coming from the same man who continually asked me if it was possible that Luca was someone else's baby, because he didnt think it could be his. In retrospect, this probably means he was sleeping around when he wasnt telling me how much he loved me and couldnt wait to have our 7 kids, but thats neither here nor there...
When I told him I wouldnt marry him, he immediately resorted to his primary skill set, manipulation. He was a different person then, hes grown now, he wants to be here now, and he knows he can trust me. Still, I wouldnt budge. Then it went onto how can I sit back and take Luca's father away from him?! I have the power to make this thing ok, and I wont do it because of his past mistakes. I am punishing Luca, because he (Mark) made bad choices when I was pregnant....
The thing that irks me most about the whole situation is that this is a long time coming. Mark knew from the get-go that at any time, he might have to leave. He knew from the beginning that there are certain things that he needed to do to ensure he could stay, but he chose not to do anything about it. Now that this day is upon him, it isnt his fault, its mine if I dont do what he says.... Once again, Mark is the victim.
As I sat and looked at Mark, it struck me at how truly effective he was at the art of manipulation. How sincere he looked, how distraught and anguished he seemed at the thought of having to leave Luca... But what struck me the most this time, as it had not all the times before, is that this was the same face, same sad eyes of a seemingly sorry and broken man asking for forgiveness, as the man who told me all those lies about everything while I was pregnant, in hopes that Id agree to abort our child....
The same face I see every time I call him on the fact that he has lied about something, or once again failed to follow through on something as small as buying his child a box of diapers. "Beth, I dont know what to say, Im sorry and I am doing the best that I can- Im sorry that it isnt good enough for you".... I sat and watched him put on his best "feel sorry for me", or "its not easy being Mark" routine.
And it just struck me how the lies flowed off his tongue smooth and sweet as honey, as he looked so forlornly into my eyes.... It was so easy for him to do. As I stared back into that same face that used to break my heart, and make me feel horribly bad for how things were working out for him, something happened.....
Suddenly, it was as if time stopped, and for the first time I saw clearly with my heart what my head had already known for a long time- this was the face of manipulation, and this is who he truly is. While I am sure he will miss his son, the main reason he wants to stay is for himself. He doesnt want to grow up, and if he goes home, he will have too. Its not ok for him to behave like a college kid in Toronto, because no one else does at 33. No one else lives in an apartment with their best friend, drinking and smoking away their paychecks, floating from one meaningless fling to another.... In Toronto, he would have to be responsible, and thats something he is not ready to face. In Toronto, they will look down on him for his unwillingness to be a more involved father. They will chastise him for that fact that he does not really resemble a man, hes still just acting like a stupid boy.
This time, things were different inside me, and, this time it was easy to say no... All the old feelings of guilt I have wrestled with ever since I found out I was pregnant were gone. All the uncertainty and burden I have carried on my shoulders in having him in my life.... All the responsibility I have felt in making sure that things are easy on him so that he will want to see his son and be more a part of his life, came crashing down. In that instant, it was as if someone threw a hammer through my window, and for the first time in a long while, I could see the light of day, and how truly dark it was where I had been living.
While it is a truly liberating feeling, its also chilling to realize that I have been killing myself trying to please someone who will never be satisfied. Nothing I do ever does make him happy- he always has some kind of complaint about something.
Everything he does is purely driven by selfish reasons- everything. He would rather take our child to someone who isnt taking good care of him, whom we know now isnt licensed, all because then he doesnt have to get off the freeway (his chief complaint with our current nanny). This is the same man who preferred not to go see his own mother in Toronto after she had a stroke, because of how it made him feel to see her like that. A man who left all the planning and burden on his family, eventhough they pleaded with him to come, all because it made him uncomfortable. The stark realization has been that everything is always about him, and how it will affect him, before he even considers anyone else.
And sadly, while this is something I have known forever in my head, it has taken nearly 2 1/2 years for it to get all the way through, and for me to finally grasp it. Ashamedly I see now that I have told myself for so long that its ok if he pushes me around and my life is made to come second… Its ok because its for my child, and my sacrifice now will make his father come around... For 2 1/2 years, I have bent over backwards for someone else, who couldn't care less about my efforts, let alone appreciate them.... if that isnt being a people pleaser, I dont know what is!
But, the good news in all this, is I am finally aware of it, and I can make a change. I dont have to carry around a sense of responsibility for what Mark does and does not do any longer, because its not my burden to bear. While its sad to think about, I know I cannot make him want to do better by his son.
The only consolation I have is in knowing that Luca is so loved by everyone in his life. Everyone who meets or hears about him, loves him too, and I know he is a special child who was meant to be here. In a lot of ways, I dont even know that it really makes a difference right now if Mark is around or not. I know I would be a lot less stressed, and it would make it easier to just focus on doing whats best for Luca, which includes, finally taking care of myself..
Maybe some day Mark will come around, but for now, Im afraid he is nothing more than just a stupid boy.... and frankly, I dont have the time to try to make a stupid boy behave or want to do whats right....
I am much to busy living my life, and trying to raise a MAN.
"Stupid Boy" by Keith Urban
Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy
It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone
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