Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Curious Case of CrackSmoker CrazyPants

As I continued to ride the wave of dating in the new year, I began to actually enjoy myself. Sure I had been on a couple of interesting dates lately, but at least Im not sitting at home miserable. And the experiences definitely make for great entertainment when hanging out with my bitches.

As I entered the second week of January I suddenly found myself talking to about 5 guys. I wasnt sure I was particularly interested in all 5, but its a numbers game and all. Youve just got to roll the dice...

The emails and text messages continued on into the next week, and by the time my kid-free weekend was on the horizon, I actually had 3 dates lined up! Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday. Naturally I had to stop and discuss this all with Daisy over wine on the couch.



"So lets see what youve got here Elizabeth!," Daisy exclaimed excitedly.

"Well, heres Wednesday. I like him a lot- hes funny..." I started.

"Buuutt??," Daisy continued, sensing my hesitation.

"Well, Im not sure hes that cute," I finished.

"No! Hes cute! He is. Besides, just try it on.", she began.

"Uh uh! Danny!! Danny!", I screamed at her in protest, pointing a finger at her.

"Just go. The dates already set. Besides, hes cute.", she insisted, giving me the evil eye for mentioning her own foray into not-quite-attractedness.

"Heres Saturday. I think hes SOOOOO cute!! This is the one Im really excited about", I gushed as I showed her the tasty morsel on the menu for Saturday.

"Ohhhhh! He is cute!! And young! Good for you Elizabeth, Im proud!", she said with a pleased smirk.

I knew she would approve- Daisy has always been fond of the young ones.

"And heres Sunday.", I said flatly as I pulled up Sunday's profile for examination.

"Well, hes really cute. Why dont you seem excited??!", she asked curiously.

"I dont know. He doesnt talk a whole lot on the phone and stuff and Im just not sure about him, ya know??", I said.

"Well, maybe hes one of those people who doesnt like talking on the phone but is way better in person.", she reasoned.

"Yeah, I know.", I said.

"Ill expect a full report on Monday", she demanded.

"Of course.", I chuckled.

"Maybe Ill be calling you to come rescue me from one of these guys!", I joked.




The week commenced without incidence, and I began to get excited for my 3 dates, Saturday in particular.

Wednesday... blahh. Nice guy, looked nothing like his picture... so not my type. Exactly the experience I was anticipating. Oh well.

Saturday.... Halle-freakin-lujah!

Saturday's name was Kenny, and he was every bit as cute in person as he appeared in Cyber Space. We had a great time, and have so much in common that the entire evening was spent saying "No way!! Me too!". It was great.

Sunday came and I was really not excited to go out on my football date. I decided I had to go though... Not just because I already had it planned, but because one great date does not mean I swear off all other men. Besides, I love football, and if nothing else I was watching the NFL playoffs, so how bad could it possibly be?

My date was at 330pm at a local sports bar to watch the AFC playoff game, but I spent the first half of the day with my sister and her husband, watching the first football game, the NFC championship. Kenny texted me the whole time...


As 330 approached, I began feeling more and more anxious, but in a bad way. I decided it was just because I had spent the last few hours text warring with Kenny and felt a teeny tiny bit bad that after we had just set up our next date, I was on my way out to go on a date with someone else. Realizing this was absurd because we are not betrothed all of the sudden, and he is likely at least going out on dates with other girls as well, I tried to shake off my hesitation.

When I finally got out to meet the other guy, I was immediately disappointed. I could tell it was him from the pics, but he was significantly shorter than hed listed. He also looked kinda strange, but I was there and was gonna just watch the game if nothing else. As I walked up to go meet him, he told me we needed to go somewhere else because the bar was too crowded. He asked me if I minded if we just took one car, and just let him drive, and since I knew exactly where we were going and it was seriously 2 blocks away, I said ok.

Big mistake.

Not only did this guy drive like a complete maniac... he was sooooo WEIRD. He was not able to follow directions, even the ones scribbled on a napkin. He also stared at me in a manner that made my skin completely crawl. When he began asking me to tell him all about Luca, and I felt so uneasy by his demeanor that I immediately changed the subject. When we finally got to the new destination, I was happy to be able to watch the game. I figured if nothing else, it was a valid excuse not to pay attention to this very strange character I was there with.

As we sat down, I tried to pinpoint for myself what exactly it was about him that was so unnerving, but was seriously at a loss.


"Dont you want to sit next to me??", he hissed from across the table.

"Ummmm, no thanks. I dont like when people sit right next to each other.", I said completely creeped out.

"Well how will you see the game?!", he exclaimed. "The TV is behind you so you need to sit next to me", he said with a salacious leer.

"Ummmmm, there are like 6 TVS right there", I said wide-eyed as I pointed off to my left.

"Fine, have it your way!", he hissed, making a weird recoiling motion as if what Id said stung him physically.


It was in that moment- the way he hissed when he spoke, and the strange recoiling motion he made that suddenly slapped me upside the head and I instantly knew of whom he reminded me....

He was Gollum!!

He totally reminded me of that nasty little creature from Lord of The Rings that kept talking about "My Precious". In fact he sounded so much like him too, but slightly gay. I think this was mostly due to exaggerated hiss he placed at the end of each statement that reminded me so much of Kathy Griffin and her whole bit about the "gay hiss".

God I love Kathy Griffin! Sorry, I digress....

After 5 minutes of completely bizarre, disjointed conversation, he had told me that match sucked because girls never went out with him more than once, if they even called him back at all. Needless to say, I knew why, so when the waitress asked if we wanted drinks, I whipped out my ID.

My strange companion also handed the waitress his ID, which she took and was looking at when he suddenly got very flustered, and ripped it from her hands. Both the waitress and I looked at each other life WTF?! And were stunned as he handed her *another* CA drivers license.



"Sorry, I gave you the wrong ID", he explained.



She looked at me like get the fuck out of here. His explanation was something which made absolutely no sense. He claimed that he needed the additional drivers license if he was going to get back into the family business of "selling cars". He claimed you need a separate license to work at a dealership. This of course, totally false. I checked up on it.

At that point, I started to get worried. I was sitting there watching a football game with someone who was certifiably out of their damned mind. Or perhaps a serial killer. Either way, this was not good, and my mind raced to figure out what I was going to do. Meanwhile, my date continued to throw the Maker's Mark and cokes down his pie hole as if they were vials of Holy Water.

The strange goblin like motioning and gesturing only increased in frequency and creepiness. He was turning into the creature Gollum before my horrified eyes.

Overwhelmed, I did the only thing I could do, and started watching the game. This actually made my date upset and launched him into a tirade about why am I watching the game and not paying attention to him. I then pointed out that this was indeed the reason we came to a SPORTS BAR... To watch the AFC playoffs. If he didnt want to watch the game, he shouldve said so before we made plans to do just that. The tirade then took a completely bizarre turn when he informed me that he does like football, he just doesnt "study it on the internet like some people do".

I know, right?!


"Excuse me?", I asked him, unsure of what to even say to such a statement as the one that just escaped from his terminally disturbed lips.


"Some of us prefer to PLAY sports, instead of read about them on the internet like YOU!", he yelled.

"I see. And what sport do you play?", I asked, regretting the question as soon as it hit the air.

I shit you not, the following is his actual response.

"Gymnasticsssssssssssssssssssss!!", he emphatically proclaimed, exaggerated hiss flying all over the place.


What can you say to that?! I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to The Steelers and Ravens.

All of the sudden, as if sent by God, a text message broke the uncomfortable silence. At this point, I am so damn happy to have ANY reason to get my phone out, that I go ahead and do so, despite the displeased look on my dates face. And, as if it could possibly be any better than just any other person on the face of this wretched planet besides the creature across the table from me, the text was actually from Kenny.

Handsome, responsible, and fantastically NORMAL Mr. Saturday Night. There is a God, and He loves me, yes He does!

I let out a huge sigh of relief. Blackberry saves the day (again)!!


"Excuse me! Im sitting right here!", hissed my date indignantly.


I did not even look up to acknowledge him, and begin to text Kenny back, because at this point lets face it, I dont give two shits what Cracksmoker CrazyPants thinks. I admit to Kenny that Im out on another date... And that its going TERRIBLY. I ask him to come get me.

At first, its clear he thought I was joking around... ya know, because I do that sometimes. I really didnt expect him to come get me anyhow, so next I texted my brother in law who lives down the street.

About 5 minutes go by, and between the two parties I am besieging a rescue from, no one is seeming to understand that I am indeed serious and in very dire straights. Quickly I realize I am going to have to take matters into my own hands and make my escape some other way.

The classic "Im gonna go to the bathroom" seems to be the best idea to get me to a point where I can sneak out. Sure my car is 2 city blocks away, but I dont care- Ive got to get the Hell out of here because hes so creepy, drunk, and yelling at me for watching the game. You know its a bad sign when the waitstaff comes by every 5 mins to check that youre ok....

This plan looked like it was going to work flawlessly, until Mr. CrazyPants got up and slinked after me, exclaiming he didnt need my permission to go to the bathroom also. Clearly, he knew I was going to try to escape, so once inside the bathroom I told Kenny I was dead serious, and please come get me ASAP because this guy is nuts. Thankfully he realized that I was not just being funny, and told me that he is on his way.

Since my sister or her husband never answered, I went ahead and texted them nevermind, I had someone coming to save me.

When I came out of the bathroom, Mr. CrazyPants was standing there..... waiting.

We went back to the table for what seemed an eternity, when all of the sudden out of nowhere, my sister and her husband come walking in! I couldnt believe it, they hadnt answered! I was glad they were there, but was wondering how this was all gonna shake out with Kenny on his way too.

My sis and her husband ended up coming and sitting with us, and after another 5 minutes of the same sort of bizarre, disjointed conversation that I had sat through earlier, my sister declares she has to go to the bathroom. Naturally, I needed to show her where it is, and that gave us an excuse to slip off to the bathroom.

Because her husband was sitting there next to him, CrackSmoker CrazyPants clearly felt ok letting us go to the facilities. Unfortunately for us, the restaurant we were in was a big circle, and from where he was sitting, he could see everything.

The only thing that was obscured was the hostess' area, and my sis and I hid behind it, trying to figure out what we were going to do. No sooner had we grabbed a waiter and explained the situation, than my waitress came running up. She told us that not only was he really strange, but the two ID's he gave her were both CA drivers licenses with the same picture, but two completely different names!!

Right at that moment, Kenny comes waltzing through the door. Seeing me he starts over in my direction, and seems confused as I grab his arm and tell him to walk out the door.



"Wait, whats going on?! Is that the guy?!", he said motioning towards the waiter who was still talking to my sister.

"Just WALK! GOOOO!!", I told him.


Outside I explained what had happened since Id texted him last, and he said he was disappointed that he was not going to get the chance to act out the whole speech he had come up with in the car on his way over. He said he had a whole thing planned out where he was gonna pretend to be Luca's dad and yell at the guy, asking him if he plans on changing diapers and paying for soccer lessons, or if he was just gonna come in and try to steal his son's mother.

Man I wish I couldve seen that!!

A few minutes later my sister and her husband came out, and Kenny told them he would take me back to my car. Turns out he had been watching the NFL playoffs all day with his buddies, and left them to come pick me up. Thats right- the super cute, sweet guy I had met only the night before left his manly football party to come rescue a girl he barely knew.

After that I told him I wanted to take him to dinner to thank him, and he accepted but in the end he wouldnt let me pay. I thought for sure this was going to be the last time I would see him. He was a very nice guy, so he would not feel good about knowing I might be in trouble, but I was sure he probably would write me off as total drama and never call me again. I wouldnt have blamed him one bit either.

Instead we sat there in a Mexican restaurant across from one another, watching the rest of the AFC championship game, on different TV's, and nothing could have felt more natural.

After about an hour, CrackSmoker CrazyPants called and left me a message saying hes still there at the bar, and where am I?! Kenny and I laughed like two children at the absolute absurdity of the end of the message where CrazyPants declared "I hope what I think just happened didnt actually happen, because fate is a Mother Fucker!! Call me".

As if.

"I am sooo embarrassed!!", I said to Kenny, still incredulous at the ordeal.



"Well, I hope this teaches you not to go out on dates with random strangers you meet off of the internet.", he said dryly, a smile dancing at the corners of his lips.


Oh yeah, did I mention hes also funny?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i'll never get tired of this story.