Im getting MARRIED, December 22nd!!

So, I got this email today from Daisy, and I nearly pissed myself when I read it. It is a continuation of "So when are YOU getting married?", and its hilarious. I couldnt have thought up better responses myself, so here they are for you. Enjoy!!

Helloooooooo Elizabeth!

Happy Sunday! I finally got my computer squared away. Some how I had spyware down loaded on my computer and I couldn't get it off. Anyway.........I finally got to reading your blogs. I always laugh my ass off!

So I was having a continuation of thoughts on our dreadful topic of "When are you going to get married?", and I thought it would be appropriate to formulate a list of fitting responses. Of course there are different levels of responses based on gender, relationship, number of offences one may have committed, and tone one uses. Though some of these responses may seem a little on the harsh side, I am quite certain that the frequency of inquiries about your marital future with diminish significantly.

Offender #1: This offender is usually a friend or family member who means no harm and they only want to see you happy. They do not ask often, but it is still slightly annoying.

Response : "I am waiting on my next paycheck."

or

" March 16th" as you think in your head "Like I freakin know dumb ass."

Basically, you are letting them know that a stupid question results in a stupid answer.

Offender #2: This offender the is person who is married and thinks that single people must be miserable. They sincerely feel that their experience and life is superior and more validated hence their status ( as noted from Tales From The Purple Couch ). This person quite possibly may even be having challenges in their marriage, but they still see it as better than being alone.

Response: "When are you going to divorce dickless wonder you married?"

or

"Shes pretty. And YOUNG. You got a pre-nup, right?!"

Offender #3: This offender is the ultimate offender. This person asks you only to make sure that you are aware that you are single and probably always will be. Their tone is condescending. This person thinks that you are too picky and should settle for less because you will never be in another relationship let alone marriage if you don't lower your standards. Hell, they did! Arent you jealous?!

Response: "When are your MOM leaves town."

or

"When you get antibiotics for your Crotch Rot."

See........Always attack or refer to the genitalia. It always will get your point across.

Talk to ya soon!

Love Daisy

See why I love her?!

And Speaking of Martha....

What do you imagine her stay in prison was like?! I mean, I cant picture Martha doing the typical prison things, like lifting weights, getting a tat, or making someone her bitch.... so what exactly do you think she did in jail?!

The obvious answer in my mind is that she did exactly what she did on the outside world, and busied herself with domesticating her surroundings with annoyingly inventive takes on everyday items.

Picture it: Prison Living with Martha Stewart.

Of course, she had to work with what she had in prison, so I imagine the show revolved around things like how to spruce up that dingy old cell. By day, use your blanket to double for a lovely wallhanging to break up the monotony of a brick wall. And just think of what you can do with the lunch scraps most people throw away! By saving the rinds from your lunchtime orange, you not only cut down on the amount of waste that is going into our country's landfills, but youve also got a great way to combat that pesky urine odor.

If you think about it, Martha is kinda like the domestic MacGuyver. And, I gotta say, anyone who can turn trash into a stunning centerpiece or a method of survival, is truly a gifted individual. But, the episode of Prison Living with Martha Stewart that I wish I could see is the episode where she shows everyone how to turn that empty toilet paper roll into a shank. Waste not, want not!

Come to think of it, that great prison poncho Martha made really was the perfect place to hide said shank. Hmmmmm....

Thai Food For Thought

Thank God it was Tuesday today!! Ya know?

Why was I glad it was Tuesday today? Well, because Mark takes Luca on Tuesday nights, and I am free to do whatever I damn well please. Which, usually means I do laundry and clean my room, but whatever- you get the point. And, after an especially frustrating day at THE OFFICE, I needed the break. Dont get me wrong, I love my child more than any other person on the face of the earth and I love spending time with him, but sometimes it is just downright therapeutic to spend time alone just vegging out.

What did I do with my mini vacation from responsibility? I did my laundry.

Hahaha! Just kidding!!

I ventured out into the world and sought sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength- Nordstroms. After spending an hour or two, browsing through all the beautiful shoes, handbags, and aisles and aisles of make-up, I decided to go home. Getting in the car, I realized how hungry I was, and decided to stop at Pei Wei and grab some food.

With nothing sparkly or designer to distract me, my thoughts again turned to the days frustrations, and as I sped down the freeway I got more and more angry. I seriously dont understand why THE OFFICE operates the way it does. I mean why is it that there are standards and protocols in place, if they are going to go ahead and pick and choose who and when to follow them?! Rules mean nothing if theyre not enforced for everyone. This is just a point that really infuriates me. But then again, what can I do? Quit? And to what avail?? Wont it just be the same situation, just a different product I am selling? Same shit, different boss?

As I rolled up on Pei Wei, my anger subsided for a moment as I perused the menu. So many yummy dishes!! Finally I settled on the crab won-tons and chicken pad Thai noodles. Once my order was placed, my inner tirade continued, and I fumed at the thought that I was working so hard, but never seemed to get recognized for it. I had to fight for every single little bit of nothing I managed to carve out for myself, and now I find myself having to fight THE OFFICE to let me keep those little scraps I have worked for, for myself.

Infuriating! Thats simply the only word to describe it.

I mean seriously, I am beginning to know how that 6 year old Thai kid feels as he sweats his ass off in Martha Stewart's sweatshop to make her crappy Kmart towels. He's killing himself for a dollar, literally, and Martha is making millions and millions of dollars, ironically, off of the American poor people who cant afford to buy nice towels and must settle for the Everyday collection by Martha from KMart. Think about that! Not only is she exploiting the poor Thai children, shes profiting off America's poor by selling them her shitty goods. Corporate America really pisses me off sometimes. I am that friggin Thai child!

"ORDER READY FOR BETH!!", a man shouted.

Hearing my order ready snapped me back to reality in an instant.

"Beth- your PAD THAI to go is ready!", he continued.

Pad Thai to go, how ironic. Suddenly, I wasnt all that hungry anymore...

So when are YOU getting married?!

Isnt it funny how life imitates art sometimes?

Oddly enough, this weekend started out by Daisy and I both watching Bridget Jones' Diary on cable, and ended up with us feeling as though we were living the movie. Now, I dont mean that we went through a case of vodka, smoked like a chimney and then ran down the street in a pair of zebra striped panties and tennis shoes screaming.... (Hehehe! I seriously LOVE that movie. If you havent seen it, I highly recommend it, but see the first one first.), but we had a little Bridget Jones experience of our own.

The Bridget Jones moment Daisy and I had, happened to us at a wedding for a work acquaintance. Ahhh, who doesnt love a wedding? The ceremony was short, which is always good in my opinion because I cant sit still for long periods of time without going crazy, and we quickly moved along to the reception, which lets face it, is the real reason people show up. The food was great, and there was an open bar, so everyone was in good spirits. Daisy and I flitted about, stopping here and there to talk to people. It was a beautiful afternoon, there were drinks in our hands, and we were happy girls.

Pleased with what a nice day it had turned out to be, Daisy and I decided we were ready to go. As we approached the happy couple to say our congratulations and thank them for inviting us, we should have seen it coming, but we didnt. We walked right into the trap, and thats when it happened.

(Jaws theme starts)

Sara and Josh were standing there, talking to two other couples excitedly about their honeymoon, as Daisy and I walked up.

(Jaws theme music starts to build)

"Hey guys, thanks for coming!", Sara gushed.

(Jaws theme music continues on towards climax)

She then introduced us to the other two couples. One of them women complimented our outfits and hair. Sara concurred, and then the second woman then asked the ill-fated question:

(Jaws theme reaches climax)

"So, when are *you girls* getting married?!"

And there it was. As Bridget Jones noted, it is the question dreaded by all Singletons. When are you getting married?! As if it is something you just wake up one day and decide to do. Ya know, like getting cable or a flu shot.

And, I think what pisses me off the most about this question is how offensive it feels to be asked that, but how people seem to completely forget that fact once they find themselves part of a couple. Or, maybe its the arrogance it takes to assume that because someone isnt part of a couple, that there life is sad and dreary and lacks meaning. Seriously, whats with that?! Maybe *YOU* were sad and miserable without having someone, but I am just fine thank you.

Infact, hearing that question makes me want to say something just as offensive right back to the perpetrator, like "So, when are *YOU* going to lose some weight?". An incredibly offensive question to the person being asked it, but basically the same as the marriage question. It says, I am happy being married/thin/whatever the case may be, so you must be miserable because you arent. It assumes my status is better than your status, and you should just go out and do something about it ASAP.

Thankfully, I have learned to keep myself pretty well in check. Too bad this trend isnt catching on. Note to coupled people all over the world: being single isnt a disease. When you encounter a single person, think back to when you were one of them, and how hearing "So when are *YOU* getting married?!" made you feel.

And, if in spite of all this, you cant help yourself and happen to open your mouth to spew out that very sentence, realize that the skinny bitch is only smiling because her inner monologue is asking you right back:

So, have *YOU* called Jenny yet?!!

*YOU* Dont Understand!!

So, as most of you know, Luca and I have moved back to my parents house, because we couldnt afford to live on our own anymore. Why you ask? Thats an entirely different blog...

Luca and I have been living with my family for the past few months, and because we are not just down the street anymore, Mark has requested to keep Luca 2 nights a week. Now, when he told me this, I was ecstatic!! Not only at the thought of getting to have a little time to myself, but more importantly at the thought of Luca getting some one-on-one daddy time that he has not experienced for the first two years of his life. I was also blown away because I had planned to talk to Mark and propose just such an arrangement, but hadnt gotten around to it yet.

Taken aback a bit, I was pleasantly surprised by Mark's desire to step up and help out more with his son. Normally I would have to listen to him complain for half an hour about how hard his life is if I asked for something as small as a box of diapers for our child, or for him to take him for a few hours so I could go to the gym. For the past 2 1/2 years I nearly had to pay him to watch his own child, but this time it was his suggestion.

Actually, in all fairness to Mark, he has been helping out much more in the past 6 months. Thats right, lets give him a little credit. The last 6 months he has helped me out by watching Luca for 3 hours, every Tuesday night.

(.....pausing.....)

I know, Ill give you all a minute for the standing ovation.

Gold star for you Mark!!

Anyhow, moving right along!!

The arrangement we made included Mark picking Luca up from his nanny 2 days a week, and then bringing him back to her the following morning. I cannot tell you how much this has helped me out, and I have not failed to mention my gratitude to him each and every time he would do so without having to be told. Isnt it amazing that while you absolutely LOVE your child more than life itself, getting just a little bit of time to yourself helps you recoup so you can be a better parent. Mark's help has been a GODSEND these last two months.

So, the last two months have been hectic, but not unbearable any longer. While Luca still does wake up at least once a night, it is not nearly as bad as it has been the last 2 1/2 years. And, 2 nights a week, I actually get to sleep the entire night through, and dont have to get up at 5am to take him to daycare. I know!! I hardly know what to do with myself anymore!! Sometimes I actually have the energy to run 10 miles a day, not just 6 or 7. Its been BLISS!!

Relatively breezing through life lately, I was caught off guard last week when I received *THE* call. (Sigh) I shouldve known better, because as we all know, all good things eventually come to an end. I guess I am just an eternal optimist! What good thing did *THE* call bring to an end you ask? Well what else? The peace!! My bliss!

Last Friday, I got what I thought was the routine call from Mark, telling me how fun things were last night, and how good it is to get to spend time with his son. Alas, it was not so. Immediately after answering the call, I could tell he was beyond irritated:

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SON DID LAST NIGHT?!"... he screamed angrily.

Note: this is never a good way for a conversation to begin- theres nowhere to go but down in flames from here.

Rolling my eyes, I remarked, "No, but I bet youre going to tell me!!", but with a smile. People can hear a smile on the phone, ya know!!

Mark then proceeded to scream at me for 15 minutes straight, about how "terrible and horrible" MY son was last night. What was the problem you ask? What can a 2 year old possibly do to a 33 year old man to bring him to such a rage? I had to stifle guttural laughter as he outlined his ordeal for me.

"YOUR SON WAS UP ALL NIGHT LONG! ALL NIGHT BETH, NO SLEEPING AT ALL!!!", he screamed.

Calmy, I answered "yeah?".

"ALL NIGHT!! He screamed BLOODY murder from 1030pm to 445am!!", he added indignantly.

Again, merely a nod in agreement from me, "yeah?"

It pretty much continued like this for, honest to God, 15 minutes. And, by the grace of God, I managed not to laugh or yell back even once. I just sat and listened, and kept agreeing with him, because I was all to familar with this scenario.

When he stopped for a moment, as if to let it all sink in for me, I calmly asked him:

"Mark, dont you remember how I have been telling you this for more than 2 years now?".

He didnt answer. I went on to tell him that I was very sorry about what happened, because I certainly know how difficult it can be when Luca wont sleep, but it is all part of being a parent.

Naturally, he didnt like that answer. After all, this is not what he was used to, and therefore unacceptable!! He then went on to say probably the dumbest thing of the entire year. Seriously, Im thinking of calling the Guinness folks to apply for the world record....
Are you ready? This is the money right here people! The punchline of the conversation....


Mark actually said to me: (drum roll building)

"Beth, YOU DONT UNDERSTAND what its like!!"

I know, Ill give you a minute. I almost choked when I heard that statement break the air!

Yes, he actually said THOSE exact words! "Beth, you dont understand what its like!". And, whats more, he lived to tell about it! I mean, usually when people commit such blasphemy, they burst into flames, or get shot down by lightening from above. But, as we all know by now, I am not that lucky...

So Mark's tirade didnt end with "you dont understand". It continued for another 15 minutes about how I dont understand what it is like to be trapped in a little apartment with a screaming child, and get next to no sleep. After all, he has neighbors who were not happy either!! I did actually fire back a little on that one, saying well hes right, I dont know about neighbors, because I lived in that remote rural area of San Clemente when we lived there. No one around miles!!

Again, he was not amused, he was SERIOUS!! Luca cried and screamed all night long, his neighbors were not happy, he hardly got any sleep, and when Luca wasnt crying, he was totally needy and wouldnt let him (Mark) get anything done. It was simply the hardest week of his life.

"You seriously have no idea what it was like.. you just CANT, you werent there!".

That right there was the straw that broke the camel's back...

While I did not get mean and nasty with him (hand on the Bible!!), I quietly walked him through all the evidence which points to the fact the he has his head firmly planted up his ass, away from the light of day, and is thus why he could possibly think his misery is unique and I cannot thefore understand it.

Again, I told him how sorry I am that it was so hard, but that I absolutely do know what it is like. How many times had I called him and asked him to come help me so that I could get just a couple of hours of sleep?? How many times had I called crying, begging for him to help me because I was so sick that I couldnt hold the baby anymore? How many times did I call and plead with him to just come and take Luca for 2 hours so that I could get some things done? The answer was rhetorical, and neither of us said it out loud. I went on to assure him, I DID know what its like, perhaps better than any other human being on the face of the earth.

Now you might think that perhaps this actually got through to him, but sadly, you would be wrong! C'mon, did you actually expect for him to get it?! I think by now we have established that Mark lives in his own dimension- one where time, truth, and reality are all relative. Things dont really happen in this world, unless they happen to Mark!! This was the first time Mark had experienced our child going bonkers as I had been telling him for ages that Luca tends to do, so this was the first time it has actually happened! And, by that line of logic, it is completely reasonable to assume that I truly cannot possibly understand what kind of an ordeal it was for poor Mark.

How did the conversation end you ask?

Mark burst into flames!!

Not really, he ended our conversation by saying:

"Frankly, I just dont know how much longer I can go on like this Beth. This is no way to live."

And there you have it.

By coincidence, at that exact moment, somewhere some totally unexpecting Italian-Canadian man was hit by a stray lightening bolt.

Lucky me.

But I had NO choice!!

So, I had a conversation, with a certain irresponsible and completely deluded individual today, and it left me a bit more disappointed than I even thought possible.


Now, Ill spare you the details of the conversation, but suffice it to say that it seems like the only thing I can count on this person to do, is not do what they say they will do, and then get upset at me when I ask why they did not follow through. The reasoning?

"It wasnt my fault. I had no choice!"

Ahhh, "I had no choice"... One of my least favorite sentences in all of the English language, and perhaps one of the most overused excuses plaguing our society today. Seriously people, lets think about this one for a minute...

How many times a day do you think people claims that they "had no choice" as an explanation for their behavior? My guess is this phrase is uttered millions of times each day. I know Ive said it a hundred times before, havent you?


But how often is this actually a statement of fact? If youre honest with yourself, then you know that the real answer is hardly ever. Life is nothing more than a series of choices, and there are very few exceptions. The folks left homeless in the fires, or the tsunami, or Hurricane Katrina... they had no choice. There was no choice that they could have made which would have resulted in a different outcome for them.

Seriously people, life is nothing more than a series of choices. There are not any real situations in life where you truly do not have a choice in what actions you make. The truth is, more often than not, the choices you have are not desirable ones. Whether you choose A or B, you will not be happy with the outcome, but one choice is less terrible than the other. What do you do? You choose the option that is the lesser of two evils, but the point is, you still have a choice.

I am so tired of people complaining about how things turn out, and claiming that the situation was beyond their control. Didnt make it to work or school on time? Not your fault? No choice? Interesting, who kept hitting snooze? Sad your wife is leaving you? Who chose to cheat on her? Mad that so-and-so is getting recognized because of their achievements? Maybe you shouldve worked that extra little bit like they did.

Look, the point is, in each and every situation in life, we have to realize that we chose to do what we did, and those choices landed us where we are. Each time you choose option A, you are choosing against option B. Each time you chose to sleep in a little longer, you chose to sleep instead of starting your day. Everytime you cut corners, at work or in your personal life, you are choosing to do so. No one is putting a gun to your head, but even in that situation: "Hey, its your money or your life!", you still have a choice- one choice just sucks less than the other.

I happen to believe that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you handle yourself. Dont complain about something someone else has, if you are not willing to do what they did to get it!! And for the love of GOD, stop blaming everyone and everything else for your circumstances. If you land somewhere you dont like being, the great thing is you have the power to decide to make different decisions from there on out.

Get out of DE-NILE and into the boat! Grab a friggin oar, and start rowing!! It may not be a pleasant experience, but when the chips are down, survivors do what they have to do to get where they need to be.

Its not your fault? You had no choice? Pssssssssssssssssh!! Bullshit!

You wanna know who has no choice? Prince. He has no choice. Hes a friggin midget! But you know what? The mans been rocking platform heels, purple feather boas, and women's clothing for 30 years, and he has no problem with the ladies. Steal a page from his royal purpleness, the unpronounceable symbol's play book: Make the most of what youve got, and dont let circumstance rule you.

Life is nothing more than a series of choices. Choose wisely.

Can I get a #4 combo with a side of redemption please?

Someone once said "No man is an island"...

If I remember correctly, this little pearl of wisdom and social commentary, came to us courtesy of Jon BonJovi. And, while I get what hes saying, I cant help but feel like he is wrong on this point, and that our society is indeed moving more and more toward island living.


What do I mean? Well, lets ponder this for a moment shall we? Anyone remember when you had to go see movies in the theatre? Or watch TV shows during their usual time slot, instead of whenever you want courtesy of TiVO or YouTube?

It seems these days that absolutely everything is made in a neat little package so that you can take it with you, and enjoy it when you want. All of the services we used to get from different sources- cable, wireless, internet, and regular old land lines can all be bought in a bundle package from a variety of different carriers. Why, you dont even have to go to the grocery store if you dont want to! You can shop for your them online, and have someone deliver them to your door!!

We have TV preachers, so you no longer have to go to church. That is, unless you are Catholic. Haha, let me clarify: this is only a problem if you are a PRACTICING Catholic, in which case you must venture out into the world in order to go to mass. I know, what a bummer!! Good luck making that into a quick trip you can fit into your lunch hour!! Not exactly condusive to island living...

But wait!! Guess what?! The friendly folks at the famed Crystal Cathedral right here in the OC have come up with your solution!

They have actually installed a drive through mass service! Just like going to the drive-in to see a movie, now you can go drive up and get your fill of mass each day!! Its as easy as getting a super value meal at McDonalds! Or maybe even easier, you dont even have to pay them...

Is this island living? I think so!!