Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Candy Man Returneth!

Who can take a sunrise
Sprinkle it in Dew
Cover it with Chocolate
And a miracle or two?

The Candy Man can
The Candy Man can

The Candy Man can, cause he sprinkles it with love and makes the world taste good
(BARF)



Thats right folks, he's baaaack!!


How stoked are you?!


I for one am very pleased! No, for real! I really am glad to hear from him...


Most of the time, when you tell someone you dont ever want to talk to/see them again for the rest of your life, they tend to shy away from further interaction with you. In a lot of cases, the disposed individual strives to avoid you in social scenarios or even the mention of you in conversation because, as the "dumpee", its an uncomfortable situation to be in. There is then of course the other extreme, which is the bitter "dumpee". This is the person who was dumped but cannot seem to shut up about how glad they are that they got kicked to the curb. They protest loudly, and often, and to anyone who is willing to listen or merely within earshot. As with all those who protest too loudly, well, you know...


But The Candy Man is different- his Modus Operandi doesnt fit neatly into either of the above mentioned categories, and thus makes him an intriguing specimen to observe. Of course, I recommend that observation be carried out only from behind the dark side of a one way mirror, so that he cannot actually see who it is that is dissecting the minute aspects of his mania.


This is merely to avoid the possibility of him striking out at you, or even worse, deciding he is interested in you. The latter scenario is the worst of all possible outcomes, as you will most likely never be rid of him without having him disassembled at the cellular level. Since this is a very costly and for all intense purposes, illegal feat, The Candy Man is still alive and well, roaming the streets demoralizing young girls nationwide.


Much like a boil on the butt of society, The Candy Man is a literal pain in the ass. You may not always see him, but damnit can you feel the lingering twinge of his presence, always lurking in the shadows, threatening to flare up at any time. This is why I should not have been surprised at all to receive an email from him today, however, after our last communication, I thought he might have actually gotten the point. I guess I just assumed, and you know what happens when you assume...


As the only known survivor of (a relationship with) The Candy Man, I am the reigning authority on the subject. Admit it, youre jealous! (wink, wink). Well, dont be, its kinda like winning The Bachelor... In the end you beat out everyone else for a phony relationship with someone you dont really like in the first place. Whats the point?! Unless there is cash involved, then its totally not like that. Id take winning The Bachelor any day over the 3 years I wasted on The Candy Man...


But I digress...


As the ultimate authority on The Candy Man, I should not have been surprised to see an email from him, a mere 6 months after I told him to kiss his own ass. When I broke off all communication with him for good in the very beginning of 2004, he did the exact same thing. Ok, lets be fair, in 2004 he started calling me 2 weeks after I had told him to drop dead, so he has shown improvement. But, seeing as the last time we started talking (6 months ago) he asked me for naked pictures (after we mended fences), and then proceeded to act shocked, offended, and "unbelieveably hurt" that I thought thats what he was insinuating by saying he knows I am indeed a NATURAL blonde, I knew better this time.


The email title was "Im ready...", and this time instead of even considering for a moment old times and opening the email, I laughed heartily as my fingers slammed down on the enter key in affirmation to delete his message without opening it. While the possibilities are endless as to what he is actually ready to do, I have lost all interest, and dont think its possible for me to care any less at this point.


So, I know you are all a little confused now because at the beginning of the post I said I was excited to hear from him, but just now I said I deleted it and didnt care what it said... contradictory, I know. But, let me tell you why its not! While I dont really give a shit what The Candy Man has to say, I am happy that his ego knows no bounds, and convinced him it would be a good idea to email me...


WHY?!


Because now I get to post that incredibly ridiculous picture of him, and we can all laugh at it again together!








Now, I dont know about you, but that shits funny! Especially considering the fact that he told me this was one of his headshots he had done and submitted to a modeling agency.

Classic.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Good Manners

So today in the OC, it was uncharacteristically warm for this time of year. I am sure some of you had it worse, like all my peeps in the 951, or East County San Diego, but 90 is plenty hot for me(well, ok, its not fun when you dont have the luxury of air conditioning). And, to that point, I seriously dont understand why anyone would want to live anywhere other than Southern California, given that the weather is always more extreme (hot or cold, and/or humid) than it is here.

But, I digress....

Today was spent trying not to die, which is precisely what the power did several times, taking our air conditioning with it. This little tragedy forced us to venture out into the world, to seek refuge from the scorching SoCal heat. Naturally, we found repreive at the local movie theater.

Once our movie was over, we decided to go back home and see if we could salvage our plans to have a nice relaxing evening at home doing nothing, but alas, it was not so. Upon returning to the house, we found the power was working, but since the air conditioning isnt central air, and had been off for more than 5 hours, the house was still hotter than the 7th circle of Hell, so we all decided it would be best to go out to dinner.

Thankfully, we made it to a local watering hole, and were able to be seated almost immediately. We also had the luxury of being seated in an area where there were not a lot of other people. This is always helpful when you have a 2 year old in your party, and is very, VERY helpful when said 2 year old is hot, tired, and hungry.

So, as we sat and enjoyed the nice refreshing air conditioned atmosphere, we were finally able to relax a little bit, which was really nice. Luca, who really had been a trooper all day, was running around the room, playing, and making everyone laugh as usual.

When dinner arrived and we all began to eat, I had to pay special attention to Luca to make sure he didnt fall out of his chair. As most of you probably know, Luca is very independent, and hates anything that makes him different from all the adults around him. This includes, but is not limited to: sippy cups, childrens cutlery, and in particular, high chairs and booster seats. The child simply HATES these things, and insists on eating with adult sized utensils, and sitting in an adult sized chair. And, to his credit, he does pretty darn well all by himself.

As we ate, Luca exercised his usual good manners. He used his fork to eat, and frequently wiped the corners of his mouth with his napkin. Inwardly, I observed quietly, and couldnt help but feel pleased with myself that my child was so well mannered. No sooner had this thought crossed my mind, than my child started acting up. They just seem to know, dont they?!

Luca, deciding he had had enough, began to get real rowdy. At first it was just a little bit of over-excitement and loud laughing, but then he started shrieking. When I asked him to calm down, and not bother the other people in the restarant, he responded with a loud growling grunt, as if to say "I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request Mommy!", and I ignored it. The next time I asked him to calm down, he screamed "NO!". (Sigh) I was clearly not pleased, but simply told my little monster, "Yes!" With a scowl on his face, Luca sat down, but refused to look at me. This after all, was what I get for crossing him.

Happy that my child decided to behave himself, I continued with my meal. But, as you can imagine, the peace did not last long. Something (I couldnt even tell you what) made Luca start laughing anew, and he started shrieking again. So, again, I asked him to please sit down and behave himself. As you can imagine, he didnt like my suggestion, and so continued to yell, but this time also decided to stand on his chair while letting little pieces of food fall out of his mouth onto the table and floor. Laughing jubilantly, it was apparent that Luca thought this was hysterical, I however, did not.

Once again I sternly warned my child to sit down in his chair and behave himself, and this time he did..... just kidding! What a boring story would this be if he just sat down and went back to dabbing the corners of his mouth with his napkin?! This isnt the Brady bunch! The truth is, Luca did not decide to behave, and he did not sit down.... instead he again yelled "NO!"

Pulling Luca down so that he was looking me in the eye, I sternly told him:

"You need to sit down and stop acting like a naughty little boy! You know better than to behave like this, Daddy would be very unhappy with you for acting this way!!"

I kid you not, you can ask anyone who was there, but the snotty little retort I got blew me away. Without skipping a beat, Luca looked back sternly at me, and replied with a defiant gleam in his eye...

"Daddy's not here!"

Then he smirked, and let more food fall out of his mouth. While part of me wanted to smack the smirk right off his chubby little face, I couldnt help but laugh.

Ahhhh sarcasm! He is my child after all!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Ohhhh, Snap!

Today's story comes courtesy of my penchant for sarcastic toddler t-shirts...

So being that it yesterday was an international holiday today, I had the obligation to speak to Mark briefly on the phone. After the perfunctory and glib holiday well wishes, he cheerfully asked to talk to his son. Usually Luca is all for chatting it up on the phone any chance he gets, but apparently he wasnt feeling very Canadian, and did nothing but stare at the phone.

Feeling dejected, Mark turned his sights on me, and began punishing me for our offspring's insolence. While I cannot manage to remember how in the world the conversation brought us to the topic (most likely because all I was hearing on the other end of the line was blah blah blah), Mark decided to make a snide comment about one of Luca's tshirts.

"I love how you dress our kid in stupid shit like, 'My Moms Outta Your League'. Shows that youre really insecure about yourself", he retorted venomously.

I rolled my eyes as I prepared for myself for what would likely be a lengthy adolescent tirade aimed at tearing me down, but under the guise, of course, of friendly joking.

"Ive got a tshirt of my own", he continued.

Yup, here we go! I thought to myself.

"It says 'I Support Single Moms', and it has a nice picture of a lady that looks like you, on a stripper pole", he said, clearly pleased with himself.

What happened next was one of those beautiful moments where despite being taken aback by someone's boorishness, the perfect rebuttal flows effortlessly and coolly from your lips.

"Well Im glad to hear you are supporting a single mother SOMEWHERE."

As the words flew from my mouth, they sliced the air with such precision and landed upon their target with such stinging accuracy, that I could practically hear the sound of leather meeting flesh. All of the sudden the phrase "Ohhhh, snap!!" had very real meaning, and the stunned silence that emanated from the other end of the line was sweet.

Ahhhh, nothing beats a well worded BURN. Happy Easter to me.